Versatile Canine Officer 3: The Big Barkening

Autumn is officially here, and this year's bad summer movie business is finished. The most recent volume is the most widely available "K-9" picture. It also manages to be the absolute nadir of the series. I got my copy from the library, because there was no way I was going to pay for this piece of shit. I swear, I am going to feed that fucking dog some strychnine.

"K-9: P.I."
(2002)

By the time the third "K-9" feature hit DVD rental shelves across the globe (sorry, Brazil), our main actor-turned-musician had already hit late-career paydirt with the ABC sitcom "According To Jim." That abomination has been in production long enough to have entered syndicated reruns this fall, which is probably why al-Qa'ida continues to hate America. Yet, despite its star's fame, this is the shoddiest of the batch. As directed by TV veteran Richard J. Lewis (no relation to the onetime BoKu pitchman), it's exceptionally drab and poorly lit. Packed with desperate product placement, it even opens with a shot of a foot stepping on a discarded Burger King cup, its contents spewing forth to form the title of the film in animated milkshake. Belushi shamelessly dons a House of Blues shirt like he did in "K-911." Jerry Lee, now played by a dog named King, looks a lot less fluffy and, oddly, younger than he did in the previous film. They couldn't even get the guy who played Captain Byers in the first two to come back. One of the really funny parts comes before the movie's even started - it's the standard pan-and-scan disclaimer, "This film has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this screen." The thought that this menagerie of grotesqueries was shot on 35mm and that anyone expected theatrical distribution is pure comedy.

We open with Dooley, whose first name has somehow changed from Mike in the first movie to Tom (as in, "Hang down your head..."), pretending to be a blind harmonica-playing hobo. He's staking out what he believes to be a crime, but turns out to be a surprise retirement party for Jerry Lee and himself. The best part of his bum ensemble has to be a t-shirt boasting the bold, timeless question: "Who let the dogs out?" Amid the text, three anthropomorphic bodybuilder dogs stand, arms crossed, ready to take action against anyone who has issue with said dogs being let out. Dooley continues to wear this daring attire for a good portion of the film, which says pretty much all you need to know about him. That, plus he drinks out of the same glass of beer as his canine partner and now drives a baby blue Ford Mustang.

Driving home from the fête, the 'Stang runs out of gas right in front of some late-night espionage at a high-tech lab, which leads the newly retired cops to investigate, get pinched by the Feds for interfering and have their pension cash frozen until the bad guys are caught. This leaves them in a jam until one of the cops tells Dooley he should use his private investigator's license, or at least rent Jerry Lee out as a stud. So, naturally, he takes out an ad in the paper, then brings the decorated officer to the park and starts yelling at random dog owners about coming over and getting busy with his companion. A mincing bald gay stereotype named Maurice sashays up, scaring Dooley, who thinks he's being propositioned. Maurice just wants to hook Jerry Lee up with a girl dog so they can make babies. At this point, we are treated to the film's only moldy oldie montage (they could probably only afford to license the one this time, as they use some generic band covering "Green Onions" later on), wherein Billy Preston's "Nothing From Nothing" accompanies a parade of prospective dog sperm recipients. It's quite clear that Dooley is also sizing up the owners, looking to hook up with a hot lady himself - it is not addressed, so we can deduce that his bickersome romance with Sgt. Welles from "K-911" came to a spectacular end. However, Dooley's dual purpose gives the scene a creepy undercurrent, like something out of "Audition."

Dooley likes this one boring blonde woman named Catherine, so he arranges a mate date between Jerry Lee and Catherine's dog, a German Shepherd named Molly. To prepare, man and dog take a bath together, which is much grosser than the shower in "K-911" since we get a whole lot of intimate grooming here. Still, Jerry Lee knows what he likes - big white poodles - and he won't fuck Molly until they dress her in a big white poodle costume. I am not kidding about that. After this unpleasant business, Jerry Lee starts acting real funny. A x-ray confirms a little square thing lodged in the dog's intestines. The vet advises Dooley to just wait for it to dislodge naturally and to buy some air freshener. They're both curious about what that little square is, although the audience knows it's the amazing microchip that the thieves were trying to steal from the lab because we saw J.L. eat it.

The constipated pooch farts a lot, so much so that when a hot, dark-haired femme fatale named Laura shows up to hire P.I. Dooley to find her missing fiance, the pudgy ex-cop gets all embarrassed and decides to take matters into his own hands. He dumps beans, cabbage, prunes, mineral oil, curry powder, Dodger Dogs and some identified substance into a blender, then pours the puree onto a slice of pizza. The result is the only scene in the entire trilogy which genuinely made me laugh like a maniac: when they get to the dog park, the most HILARIOUS barrage of sound effects is unleashed to connote a huge dog crapping like a damn tsunami. Other dogs run away whimpering, and one leaps into the arms of its nauseated owner.

This scene also contains footage of Jim Belushi, sporting rubber gloves and a gas mask, straining a Ziploc bag full of fresh dog diarrhea over his bathroom sink. At least they spared us from witnessing the collection of said diarrhea from behind the park bushes.

Dooley and Jerry Lee investigate the microchip business and make a little time to look for Laura's hubby-to-be. They go to a cheesy dance party in a warehouse loft, where Dooley turns down two hot raver girls who try to make out with him (these chicks are obviously rolling hard) and Jerry Lee gets festooned with glowing necklaces and twinkly doodads, prompting Dooley's quip, "What are you, a party animal now?" Blah blah blah, the microchip thief is also the missing fiance. Laura's crushed that her man lied to her, so Dooley nobly offers to let her spend the night at his crib. Jerry Lee seems pissed about this intrusion until he sees Laura's dog - a big white poodle! He taps that ass, but Dooley only gets to first base. This, after having gone to the effort of fishing through a box of raisin bran to fulfill the comely brunette's bizarre request for a bowl of raisins. She feeds one to him seductively, and when they kiss, their mouths are still full of chewed-up raisins. Whether this is more disgusting than the diarrhea-straining scene, I cannot say. And people thought the turkey metaphor in "Gigli" was sick...

I haven't really gone into Jerry Lee's nut-biting in my previous "K-9" reviews. A prominent scene in each of the films centers around Dooley interrogating some uncooperative male suspect. The dog will saunter up, let the guy pet him for a bit, then affix his teeth to the man's bathing suit area. This is sometimes accompanied by an exaggerated crunching sound effect. The guy will soon tell Dooley what he needs to know, and it is with much obvious disappointment that the canine cop removes his slobbery maw from the dude's groceries. The guy in this one is sitting at a restaurant table, and that's all I really have to say about that.

Anyhow, it should surprise no one that Laura is in on the whole crime business, and she in fact turns out to have been playing everyone involved in the job. After Laura gets busted, Dooley gets a call from that bland Catherine lady, who tells him that the puppies are ready. The parents and owners meet at the park to watch the lil' scamps scamper around. Dooley picks out the one who farts at him, and makes googoo eyes at Catherine, who responds by being nice. Here is my biggest problem with "K-9: P.I." - it thoroughly plays into the whole "brunette = bad, blonde = good" cliché. Everyone knows that this is bullshit because blondes are far more trouble, but you still see it trotted out in instances such as this. It's like the bad guys wearing black hats in an old, pre-revisionist Western. I suppose you could argue that this tired convention, tied as it is to the private dick milieu, can be considered an homage to film noir. You could probably say the same thing about the, um, minimalist lighting in a number of the film's interior shots. I say both production aspects are simply the tropes of a lazy, uncreative movie. However, at this point, I've been through so much with Mike/Tom Dooley and Jerry Lee that I fear if "K-9: IV Fed" shows up in stores, I'd feel compelled to sit through it. Ugh.

This block of type was created to the sounds of Lääz Rockit's nostalgic Annihilation Principle, Xiu Xiu Larsen's pretentious ¡Ciaotistico!, Bruce Dickinson's underhailed Tyranny of Souls, Cathedral's mountainous In Memoriam, Goodie Mob's fonky Soul Food and Sabaton's amiable Attero Dominatus.

Here's a review of one of the three live shows I attended on Thursday and Friday. As for the other three bands I saw: Make Believe had good drumming but remained a bit boring, Man Man was amazing as expected and Asobi Seksu kicked up a lovely storm, despite their crucial guitar sound being as buried in the mix as Arch Enemy's had been earlier in the evening. I've been to too many shows with terrible sound mixes lately... but maybe it's just me. Maybe my hearing is finally shot. Whatev.

Death rides a Mustang

Oy! Such a struggle. When you find yourself consumed with obtaining a copy of a direct-to-video sequel to a Jim Belushi movie, you really have to wonder what it's all worth. Of course, that sort of navel gazing ends as soon as such a ridiculous bourgeois quest is completed.

Not only do most of the video stores in the area not carry the original "K-9" (I watched it via Comcast's handy OnDemand), they certainly don't have the second volume of the trilogy. Such is the nature of the modern video store, where unless you're looking for something released within the last year, an '80s comedy you've seen a million times or some bona fide Hollywood classic, it's pretty much a crapshoot. But cool mom and pop shops still exist, run by cool folks who realize that all those old, unloved tapes collecting dust might one day bring in a loser like myself, consumed with obtaining a copy of a direct-to-video sequel to a Jim Belushi movie. Video lord The Wizard of Gore suggested such a store in Mount Prospect, and they miraculously had the whole batch of Dooley/Jerry Lee adventures, as well as a fine selection of Something Weird obscurities and the most bad-ass horror selection since the heyday of Ken's World of Video. Let's be gettin' into it.

"K-911"
(1999)

So, a decade later, Mike Dooley's still somehow on the force, still prowling the streets of L.A. with the curmudgeonly German Shepherd Jerry Lee, and still played by singing, dancing and writing Renaissance lout Jim, er, James Belushi (the trailer, curiously, refers to him as Jim). The tubby hack is the only cast member to return from the original flick, except for James Handy in the thankless role of Captain Byers. Seems the pooch who played Jerry Lee in "K-9," who was a drug sniffing dog for the Kansas City police in real life, died in the line of duty back in 1991, so here his tics are tackled by an upstart named Mac. Of course, Belushi's no stranger to sequels which could not reunite the cast of the first movie due to the cold hand of the Reaper - witness "Blues Brothers 2000." Or, better yet, don't. At this point, I expect a sequel to "Real Men" with French Stewart taking over John Ritter's role, or maybe "Gang Related 2" with Nelly standing in for Tupac. I suppose it's fitting that the original dog was too dead to reprise his role in "K-911," as a morose fog of entropy and demise hangs over the whole rueful picture.

Despite the lack of familiar faces surrounding Belushi, "K-911" is not one of those lazy sequels that ignores the conventions established by the first movie. Actually, it's one of those where a bunch of scenes from the first movie are flat out repeated. Screenwriter Gary Scott Thompson, who also gave us the awful Paul Verhoeven rape fantasy "Hollow Man" and the awful-looking testosterone fest "The Fast and the Furious," obviously doesn't believe in the silly old theory that says surprise plays a crucial role in effective comedy. The only good thing this guy ever touched was "Split Second," a surprisingly gory, cheap, weird and enjoyable Rutger Hauer/Kim Cattrall vehicle that I was privileged to catch during its brief theatrical run. As for director Charles T. Kanganis, the most distinguished things on his strictly direct-to-video resumé are a pair of Traci Lords action flicks, in which the would-be dance club diva is surely less convincing than in the less-seen roles she played during her, um, younger days. In addition, the director's name makes me picture a mascot for an Australian brand of children's sneakers, and I hope I never meet him so I can keep that image.

Right off the bat, it's clear that "K-911" will be a tough slog, as we see Belushi in his boxers again during the opening credits. He wakes up with Jerry Lee in his bed, and for those fortunate enough to have missed "K-9," the pair's relationship as a bickering but loving old couple is established with a sickening montage depicting their morning ritual. Man and dog not only share a bed, but a toothbrush, Q-Tips, cereal bowls and even a shower. When a grown man is unashamed and unafraid to display his lathery junk before an animal renowned for his skill at clamping his jaws around male genitals, you know there's some solid trust at work. True to the "K-9" formula of playing recognizable songs during crowd-pleasing moments, this is all set to the strains of Jackie Wilson's "(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher," a good song used to similar nauseating effect during the climax of "Ghostbusters II."

The grizzled slob's beloved Mustang is still rolling, only now it's green. Dooley can't be bothered to park on the correct side of his own street, so he has a shitload of parking tickets piled up, reminding us that this guy is a poor excuse for someone ostensibly obsessed with upholding the law. When he and Jerry Lee prove too out of shape to catch an armored gunman who suddenly attacks them at the ATM, Capt. Byers slaps Dooley like a bitch and sentences them to undergo a physical, during which Dooley charmingly quips that his face is red not because of high blood pressure, but due to "a drinking problem." Jerry Lee, getting on in years himself, is prescribed medicine that makes him flatulent, and the pair tries out a half-assed exercise regimen documented in another unfunny montage set to a Jackie Wilson song, this time the less played-out "Baby Workout."

None of this mugging and capering does any good, of course, so Byers - a classic enabler - assigns them partners to assist their decrepit investigations. It's Sgt. Welles (Christine Tucci, sister of Stanley), one of them newfangled lady cops, and Zeus, a Doberman Pinscher trained in anti-terrorist tactics who responds to commands in Dutch. This team naturally establishes that it's as professional and disciplined as our heroes are slipshod and ramshackle, ensuring that we'll get lots of bickering that will turn into grudging admiration. When Welles explains that Zeus attacks criminals through windows, Dooley lamely counters that Jerry Lee mastered Windows '98: "He's got his own chat room... Dogs For Dogs?" Imagine how that zinger will play in thirty years.

Out in the field, mean n' lean Zeus shows up crusty old Jerry Lee, who has taken to laying down a lot. The dog gets all sulky, and he sits in the bombed-out remains of the Mustang after it gets blown up by a goofy gun-runner. Dooley tries various methods of cheering him up, including taking Jerry Lee to a park for a hot dog and some quick, anonymous sex. The pooch finds a poodle who looks just like the one in the first movie (hey, he has consistent taste), and we are treated to a rerun of the creepy "K-9" dog seduction scene, the overused oldie for this round being Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman." One abandoned cheer-up tactic involves letting Jerry Lee watch his favorite movie, "Beethoven," the first in a series I was actually considering for next summer's abominable movie endeavor... until I realized there are five of them.

I should mention that this sequence contains images of Jim Belushi cuddling and kissing a male German Shepherd while cooing that the dog is "so pretty."

As Su*Fi Karyn predicted as soon as soon as I told her the back-of-box plot, the mismatched human cops fall in love. "Wait," you cry. "What happened to Tracy, the woman Dooley was living with in the first movie? He saved her from those drug runners, they went to Vegas... weren't they a sure thing?" You had the same reaction I did. We find out early on that Tracy is dead, and Dooley feels vaguely guilty about it, although her death was due to an undisclosed illness. Nonetheless, he is a swingin' single again, and since Dooley copulated with Welles one drunken night four years ago, it's all but required that these two fulfill their ugly amorous destiny. For her part, she's quite sour, strident, uptight and unpleasant, and finds Dooley immature and arrogant until he gets all sappy about his dead wife. Sucka.

There's more plot, too, some really ridiculous crap concerning the aforementioned shadowy ATM gunman. Let me blow it for you: he's a frustrated writer whose novel was turned down by Tracy, who was a book editor. In the process, she had apparently complimented him on his potential, and he had developed an obsessive crush on her because of a platitude he interpreted as encouragement. However, for some reason, Tracy had also made Dooley read the psycho's draft. He only read the beginning and end of it, but told the guy he didn't think the police scenes were real enough. Anyway, the loony taped a bunch of their conversations, and he walks around his house listening to them to stoke his own rage. He's got a sad little shrine built to Tracy, but I can't tell if the set decorators actually used pictures of Mel Harris, the actress who played her in "K-9." I know one thing: when he decides to stalk Welles, he takes pictures of her in public, develops the whole properly-composed shot, then just tears off the part of the print with Welles in it. I'm no photography wiz, but couldn't this asshole save on photo paper if he just developed the part of the shot that he wanted?

A bunch of other bullshit happens, such as Detective Dooley stealing a vehicle from the meter maid who's been writing all those tickets after she boots his wrecked car (she doesn't look very upset about it). During the stilted climax, the writer screams that he's tormenting Dooley because he was mean to him. Also, he thinks Dooley didn't deserve Tracy and says he's responsible for her death. "She was sick of being a cop's wife!" he spits, accusing him of driving her to an early grave. This is a pretty interesting assertion, and the closest either of the "K-9" pictures I've seen comes to pointedly criticizing Dooley's moral character. My impression of the Dooley/Tracy relationship from the first movie was that he was making her unhappy because he was too busy doing dumb shit to spend time with her, and the introduction of the dog only gave him more excuses to not be home. Maybe the crazy guy isn't entirely wrong. Of course, the idea is quickly glossed over.

Jerry Lee saves the day by leaping off a roof onto the psycho writer, a daring move which knocks the gunman over and is conveniently just powerful enough to render him unconscious. It's like something out of a "Scooby-Doo" episode where Shaggy knocks over some maple syrup jugs and the villain gets stuck to the floor. Simply ludicrous.

Welles sneaks Jerry Lee into the hospital to see Dooley, showing just how much of a bad influence the guy can be - he ignored health codes himself by bringing a dog into a hospital during the denouement of his first adventure. In the end, she's wheeling him out, and they're arguing over whether to go out for Chinese or Italian, their playful tones barely cloaking the seething animosity that forms the core of their relationship. She ultimately wants to go wherever he doesn't want to go, and he's trying to psych her out by acting indifferent about it. This ominous vision of the new couple's miserable, emotionally violent future concludes with a reprise of the workout footage, complete with a terrible pop R&B dance song by a Dutch group called Voices In Motion (what is it with this movie and The Netherlands?) and humorless Where-Are-They-Now?-type text that assures us "Jerry Lee remains at Dooley's side..."

Coming soon: "K-9: P.I." I'm gonna go wash my eyes out with some "Firefly."

This post was accompanied by Tuatha de Danann's dandy Trova Di Danú, Deströyer 666's ripping Six Songs With the Devil, Borknagar's mellow Origin, The Meads of Asphodel's zany The Mill Hill Sessions, Necrophobic's overlong Hrimthursum, Akron/Family's warped Meek Warrior, Orphaned Land's exotic The Beloved's Cry and Elvenking's jig-tastic Wyrd. Yep, been feeling kinda folky. Autumn is nigh!

The Bard's Schlong

I could be posting some lame top ten list of why autumn is better than any other season (or watching damn "K-911," since I only have 14 days until the equinox), but along with a beautifully-transferred DVD of "Shock Treatment," this came out Tuesday:

Alongside Katatonia, Blind Guardian is my absolute favorite band in the world right now. Both play a highly individualistic and melodic form of heavy metal that draws from progressive and mainstream rock. They both balance meticulous playing with emotional impact, but do not in any way conform to "emo" rules, nor do they pander to the segments of the goth audience from which both draw favor. They bring a boatload of catchy melodies, tempered by lyrics that hover around issues of challenge, fear, loss and loneliness - sometimes even idyll or triumph, in acknowledgement that good things can be found among even our most gut-churning moments. Neither ever strived to be the most hard-assed, skull cracking, goat-floating motherfuckers around, and with age have only increased their understanding of dynamics, leading some doofuses to claim they're not "metal" enough. But that's where the similarities end.

Blind Guardian started in the '80s as Lucifer's Heritage, a sort of Helloween-meets-Slayer, blessed with a tin-can German thrash metal production, a pair of endlessly creative guitarists and an abundance of sing-along beerhall choruses delivered by one Hansi Kürsch, a Tolkien-worshipping wailer who can sound like an orc and an elf. Their ardent fans refer to them as "The Bards." In the grand tradition of Iron Maiden and the Misfits, most of Blind Guardian's songs are about cool movies they saw or books they read, but their lyrics typically crawl inside the feelings of particular characters or the impact of fictional situations rather than taking the old "this happened, and then this happened" approach. Their focus has primarily remained on fantasy, science fiction and horror (in that order), although European folklore, religion and history have a strong place in their hearts. They have a curious penchant for covering American oldies, from the Beach Boys' "Surfin' USA" to The Chordettes' "Mr. Sandman," as well as proto-metal classic rock staples like Iron Butterfly and Uriah Heep. Being big Queen fans, over the past 20 years they have gradually altered their focus from the early blitzkreig bombast to an outrageously ornate tapestry of Wagnerian choirs and pinched-sounding Brian May guitars, occasionally dipping into folk, symphonics, medieval balladry or - less and less, these days - reverting to their old speed metal territory. Although they never try to freak you out with jazzy rhythms, their songs usually change tempos and twist around a lot, and here is where I can segue to the title of the new disc.

A Twist in the Myth is Blind Guardian's eighth album, dropping at a time when they - and power metal as a whole - are at an unprecedented high point of popularity in the United States. Naturally, this comes almost a decade after HammerFall's surprise hit of a debut caused Europe to blow up with fifth-rate Helloween clones, ruining it for those dorks among us who clung to old bands like Gamma Ray, Rage, Running Wild and Blind Guardian as something special. Nostalgia, shit; to this day, these grizzled acts all continue to be more idiosyncratic, interesting and sincere than a competent early-'90s carbon copy like Stratovarius, who begat the flowery late-'90s blandness of bands like Kamelot, who in turn engendered the reactionary hyperspeed banality of today's DragonForce - who, of course, sold out the Metro earlier this year, played the main stage of Ozzfest 2006 and are returning in a couple of weeks to headline at the Vic. Meanwhile, Gamma Ray only gets to play six shows in the States, and poor old Helloween has to cancel their fucking tour completely. There would be no justice if a genuinely great and largely respected band such as Blind Guardian were not receiving a proper North American headlining tour, although I'm a little pissed the Chicago date is on Thanksgiving (that's sure gonna upset my mom).

All this background is to say that it was of the utmost importance that I owned this record the day it was released, and it was a bit of a struggle. If you think a 31 year-old man should have more important things to do with his Tuesday evening than to walk into every CD store in town asking for something called A Twist In the Myth, you were beaten too sternly as a child. Shockingly, every CD store in town was cleaned out by the time I got out of work. Not "we didn't get our shipment," but a barren rack adorned with a taunting card reading "New Release! Blind Guardian!" and stories from bewildered clerks about some guy who was in there looking for that earlier. I didn't know whether to be pleased or upset. It meant not only that today's young U.S. metalheads have better taste than those who were coming up a decade ago, but that what I consider to be good music is finally starting to register with some corner of the American public. On the other hand, I know these damn kids haven't been listening to Blind Guardian for as long as I have. They didn't fly to Atlanta for their first American show. They don't even have mp3s of the Lucifer's Heritage demos. I have been waiting for this album for more than four years, and it took a drive to the ever-reliable Rolling Stones in Norridge before I could find a copy... for a mere $9.99.

The album title is Blind Guardian's cutesy way of saying "something's different here." Of course, this is the first album they've ever made without drummer Thomen Stauch, who left amicably over "dissatisfaction" with the band's musical direction. Stauch teamed up with Iron Savior's Piet Sielck and a couple of guys from Persuader, a great little Swedish band who happen to sound like a heavier, thrashier Blind Guardian. They released a kick-ass record last year under the silly moniker Savage Circus, and it sounds a lot like (older) Blind Guardian. The ex-Bard also recently put out something with Soilwork's Björn "Speed" Strid, a project called Coldseed, more in the American "modern rock" vein. After the four songs on their MySpace page, I'm not in any rush to hear any more of that. But all this means Blind Guardian had to find a new member for the first time since they started recording in the '80s. I respect that they got a drummer, Frederik Ehmke, who comes from an obscure, unsigned German folk metal band called Schattentantz, so there was none of the expectation/hype that would result from some big-name guest star. None of the songs here top six minutes, which is a novelty for the band as well. The single from their last album, A Night at the Opera, was a whopper clocking in at 14:07, not a second of which is boring. In fact, I would go so far as to say "And Then There Was Silence" remains my favorite song of the '00s, even with all the awesome shit I've heard since. So, I, for one, didn't think a paring down of song length was necessary, but the band decided to try it anyway. Finally, as Stauch's exit insinuated, there are some tweaks to the sound here, but nothing too outrageous if you've followed them this far... they haven't pulled a Chameleon or anything. Moderate change from record to record is something I have come to expect as a Blind Guardian fan, and a main reason I consider them a genuinely progressive metal band, as opposed to what is often referred to as progressive metal: blatantly ripping off Dream Theater.

Now, here's where I bitch about the squashed-sounding mix; Charlie Bauerfiend has done a fine job with Blind Guardian in the past, but the inclusion of elements to give the band a harder, punchier sound in tandem with the synthetic tones that chilled moments of the brilliant Opera has resulted in a very dense block of sound. It's got more sonic weight than Opera, but it's also the muddiest the band has sounded on record since Flemming Rasmussen crapped all over Imaginations from the Other Side, far from unlistenable but hell on the equalizer. The songs? Not a stinker in the bunch. As if I haven't written enough, I'm gonna try another track-by-track like I did with the last Helloween album. It's not my first listen this time, obviously...

BLIND GUARDIAN

A Twist In the Myth

1. "This Will Never End" [5:07] - A fine opener that brings to mind Imaginations' opening title track, as the verses and solo sections are much more forceful in tone than the blissful chorus. Very romantic and tragic in the finest Blind Guardian tradition: "Only the fool in me believes/There is sense in it/In distant shores of green/It's over now." Some dude was kind enough to translate a German interview Hansi did with Rock Hard magazine for the BG message board, and going by his explanations in that, the song was inspired by Walter Moers' "Wilde Reise durch die Nacht," wherein the Grim Reaper wrestles with existential malaise. Marcus Siepen really stands out for a change, since he's playing some pseudo-chugga riffs here and the rhythm guitar is given much more presence in this clusterfucked mix than it had on the sterile, symphonic-leaning Opera. Already, you can tell that Ehmke's obviously a big Stauch fan, as he's very busy and hard-hitting, knowing exactly when to turn on the double-bass and when to ease up to give the song that extra "something" that no other band (well, except Savage Circus) can truly conjure. The capper is Hansi's siren-call shriek, bursting forth like a banshee from the opening old school metal riff. Hands high, fists fill the air.

2. "Otherworld" [5:15] - This one is more of a trudger, and features some pretty fakey-sounding symphonic keyboards that actually enhance the sci-fi lyrics. If I hadn't Googled some of the terms tossed out in the lyrics and deduced that this is about a book series by Tad Williams, I might have guessed that The Bards had been listening to a lot of Gamma Ray and gotten into the whole "oppressive future society" motif. André Olbrich fires off some bright and memorable solos, in which he characteristically chooses to try out several new melodic patterns rather than just wank away. Frederik does a fine job here again, his constantly shifting rhythms adding bonus action to a relatively uncomplicated tune. To me, the end feels abrupt, as if the band said, "Let's stop right here, another section would be dragging it out." It just doesn't seem like they're done yet to me... maybe I'm just used to Blind Guardian songs being longer.

3. "Turn the Page" [4:18] - Perhaps my favorite song on the disc, this song is so jolly and awesome it's almost impossible to explain. The riffs are very folky in keeping with its Wiccan/pagan lyrical themes (it's about the Horned God), and I might go so far as to label the half-dozen or so vocal melodies Hansi packs inside it as "sing-songy." Folk melodies can be absolutely transcendant if properly crossbred with power metal riffery (for further evidence, give a spin to Falconer or Elvenking, who have both coincidentally reunited with their superior original vocalists on their respective new albums) - and Olbrich has always been one of the best. When he and Marcus cross the streams and go into harmony mode, it's a heady, headbanging hoedown. This one also feels way too short, not because it seems unfinished like "Otherworld" but because it's such a goddamned cool song.

4. "Fly" [5:45] - The single. I bought it a few months ago and was initially disappointed, something that didn't happen when I first got "Silence" or "Mirror, Mirror" in my mitts. There are some near-corny '70s hard rock guitar moments in it, more prominent than those which appeared at several points on Opera ("Sadly Sings Destiny," "Wait for an Answer"), and it didn't seem to have much energy. There's a mechanical, near-industrial sound to the drums and (prominent) keys in the beginning, and it occasionally appears throughout the song. The words appeared to be about a familiar subject, James M. Barrie's "Peter Pan" - it's worth noting that BG is more interested in the concept of Neverland than in how cool perpetual adolescence would be - but might also be about the disappointing Depp/Winslet movie "Finding Neverland." Hansi says it combines the themes of both. I listened to "Fly" once in a while over the last several months, but the b-side overshadowed it for me because it's more typical of the band. "Fly" is fussy, complex and somewhat unfamiliar, and it really takes a while to click. Eventually, I came to make sense of all that's going on in the song. The chorus, when you figure out where it is, is pure Blind Guardian. By the time I heard A Twist In the Myth for the first time, I was rocking along with "Fly," furthermore floored by its placement after three tunes which are all equally jammed with neat little moments.

5. "Carry the Blessed Home" [4:04] - Ballad time, a mild one that wakes up for the big, crashing, banner-waving chorus, backed by another squall of baronial Olbrich/Siepen harmonies. It's probably my least favorite here, and I'm glad it's the shortest track, although I don't dislike it. It makes me think of a mellower version of "Seize the Day" by Demons & Wizards, Hansi Kürsch's side project with Jon Schaffer of Iced Earth. Frederik plays a nice bagpipe line throughout it, which may be the touch that keeps it from going bland. According to that Rock Hard magazine article, it's about the end of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" books, another favorite topic of Hansi's going back to Somewhere Far Beyond. The saga of Roland, the last gunslinger, and his journey to the Tower pretty much dominated the lyrics of the last D&W record, and I will respectfully thank Mr. Kursch if he will refrain from spoiling any more of the story for me before I finish it... books 5-7 are sitting in the other room, but I'm busy doing things like, say, typing this.

6. "Another Stranger Me" [4:37] - More of those "attitude"-filled hard rock tones appear on this one, hard rock of course meaning the polite, bluesy type of "metal" that doesn't send American rock radio programmers running for their mommies. I couldn't tell what the lyrics were about, even after watching the video. Hansi claims it's about a schizophrenic who becomes aware of his other personality, the "metal"-ness of which is uncharacteristically mundane for the band. Count the music and this ties with "Carry the Blessed Home" for the most straightforward song on the album - it speeds up for a few bars of soloing, but otherwise clips along at the same pace throughout. The melodies aren't too strong according to the high Blind Guardian standard, but it rocks pretty well and provides a strong contrast to the following number. It definitely grew on me, but I wouldn't want a whole record like this. Oh, yeah, the "Another Stranger Me" video. I mean, the song is not really a fair introduction to the band's sound, being so simple and all. I bet it's already in rotation on "Headbanger's Ball," and I hope it's not a big hit, or I will start to have nightmares about Blind Guardian pulling a Metallica: cutting their hair, telling the press they were never *really* a metal band, dumbing it down all the time... Well, here it is, not bad in an "Enter Sandman"-back-in-July-of-1991 sort of way:

7. "Straight Through the Mirror" [5:50] - Pepping up a bit, the chorus here is another cloud-bursting winner: "The end's a miracle/Dream on if you dare/Straight through the mirror/We'll sail on through the air." You have to hear it to understand how awesome that nigh-trite phrase can sound. I can't think of what other song it reminds me of, but it will be stuck in my brain until I die, in that special wing reserved for all the twists and turns these guys have delivered. Hansi says the song's about how dreams can change quickly and how important they are, but the lyrics seem to be about something in particular. (Anybody know what "Orcus Lane" is a reference to? Google doesn't.) André adds a bracing guitar countermelody under the chorus, and another top-shelf Olbrich/Siepen solo graces the middle of this, the longest track on the disc. Suddenly, I realize why some of these songs seem so truncated - there should be another two or three of those commanding guitar moments to make it feel like a real Blind Guardian song. Still, the shortened structures make you want to hear the songs again right away, and isn't that what a good pop song is supposed to do? Leave you wanting more before you get sick of it? Has Blind Guardian truly embraced pop? I don't like some implications of that word, but its philosophies have worked for Katatonia, and they mostly work for Blind Guardian.

8. "Lionheart" [4:17] - This midpaced song instantly impressed me, from its snippets of Arabic guitar stylings to its tribal drum breakdowns to its intense vocal layering. The pace of the chorus, thriving on Olbrich's Maiden-y guitar line and an abundance of intertwined voices, reminds me of that from "Wait for an Answer," which was one of my favorite songs on Opera because it's so different from the rest. It stands out here, too, smearing a bright prog rock swath across the latter half of the album, really a deceptively smart little track. The title scared me into thinking they were rehashing territory already covered by Ridley Scott and Grave Digger. No, it's about Odysseus' journey to the underworld. It could really stand to be a few minutes longer, as this is another one that feels nipped in the bud.

9. "Skalds and Shadows" [3:13] - I said I loved the "Fly" b-side, an acoustic version of this track. It turns out it's the most traditional Blind Guardian song on the album, thus an instant winner. It's a stein-hoisting medieval campfire ballad in the vein of past glories like "Lord of the Rings" or "The Bard's Song: In the Forest." I believe it extols the art of storytelling itself, a skald being a Nordic poet. The album version is very nice, adorned with orchestration including flute and chimes by Frederik. Again, very folky, and it builds into a series of dramatic crescendos revolving around the majestic "Dream in the shadows" refrain. I particularly love the end of the lyrics: "We gladden the raven/Now I will/Run through the blazing fires/That's my choice/'Cause things/Shall proceed as foreseen!" I really don't know what that's about. It's really ridiculous, actually. But, holy crap, does it sound like they mean it.

10. "The Edge" [4:29] - The chugga-chugga rhythms and futuristic keyboards return here, another experimental sort of song. The lyrics hint at Christianity and nefarious conspiracy, so my first guess was that it's about "The Da Vinci Code," having never read or seen it to catch a reference. Don't think I was too far off, since Hansi says it's about St. Paul's construction of the legend of Christ, how he elevated a man to God status. Either way, it's pretty obscured by way of personal narrative and internal discussion, much like the last album's amazing "Punishment Divine," which details Friedrich Nietzsche's mental degeneration by imagining a host of angels taunting the notorious atheist with a chant of "It's true, it's true/We don't exist." For a guy who calls himself a Christian, Hansi Kürsch seems to have a very cynical view of Christian history; perhaps it's the glaring disparity between the Holy Mother Church's intentions and actions that draws him to write about it? In any case, "The Edge" comes off like a more physically rockin' version of the cerebral prog-pop-metal concoction found in "Lionheart." Good solo, good song.

11. "The New Order" [4:53] - Sadly, the final proper song of the album is not a Testament cover. It starts like a ballad, but soon moves to a sort of doomy riff, staying slow or midpaced throughout. Once again, A Twist In the Myth reminds me of Imaginations, which ended with the similar-feeling "And the Story Ends." It's one of the record's most subtle compositions, unfolding its intricate plotting with time as "Fly" did. Summing up the record's (and the band's) adventurous nature, it's an ode to change, with lyrical mentions of keeping the faith and a "bridge," presumably between past and future. Of course, Blind Guardian would never be so gauche as to talk directly to the fans Manowar-style, so it's couched in charmingly mystical phrases like "Times will change/The soul's like water and/Like rain it will return." Another favorite lyrical snippet: "Do you remember/When we were moon knights?"

12. "Dead Sound of Misery" [5:20] - This is one of several bonus songs available from these sessions, an alternate demo version of "Fly" with different lyrics and vocal melodies, slight variations in some parts of the music and, to these ears, a rougher and more basic metal production. Consulting Hansi's Rock Hard interview one last time, the lyrics are "an apocalyptic vision." They're pretty morbid and calamitous, in stark contrast with "Fly"; the song starts, "It's dark/Let's do it now/Bring in the sirens/Cut off their tongues/Do it now/Ignore their cries." I think I like the less cluttered mix on this version better, but "Fly" is a superior effort, probably because it's the more recent - thus evolved - version. It's fine as a bonus track, but I cannot help but think I should have thrown down for the Japanese version, which instead has a completely new ballad called "All the King's Horses" as its bonus track. That other song alone would have cost me more than $9.99, I'm sure. I'm just gonna hope it shows up on a future single or compilation, along with the alternate demo version of "Straight Through the Mirror" entitled "Market Square," currently only available on the double vinyl. Fucking collector's editions.

13. (untitled) [8:07] - Is this a cover of Type O Negative's "The Misinterpretation of Silence and Its Disastrous Consequences"? Because it's also just a long blank track in the penultimate spot. I guess the purpose is to provide a buffer before the interview at the end, so that every time you listen to the disc you don't immediately get these dudes talking right after "Dead Sound of Misery." Otherwise, I don't see the point of it.

14. Interview [12:38] - Dashing my hopes that there was a 12 minute song called "Interview" at the end of the album, this is of course the band sitting with some sycophant, answering softball questions to promote the record you've already bought. The Euro digipak version of A Twist In the Myth has this on a separate disc, along with an interview in German, a sticker and the "Another Stranger Me" video, plus a making-of about said video which is the only reason I would have considered buying it. Anyway, it starts off on a funny note, Hansi contradicting the interviewer's assertion that there is any thrash on the album, though minutes later correctly identifies "This Will Never End" as a type of thrash song. He concedes the influence of modern and '70s sounds early on, though, and says "Fly" was "a statement" about the direction of the album. Other interesting observations: "The Edge" was conceived "in an almost American type of way, how to feature the instruments"; Hansi compares various parts of "Carry the Blessed Home" to Ozzy Osbourne, Creed and Wings; the writing sessions for the new material concentrated on songs that are more easily reproduced live; Frederik likes Soilwork, just like their old drummer; the orchestral Blind Guardian album that's been in the works since 1998 will hopefully be out by early 2008 (11 songs are done, they plan two more, plus hope to present the whole thing at the next Blind Guardian Festival as well as continue with several more volumes afterward). The last words spoken are appropriate: "We live a dream."

Hey, here's a much shorter review of the new Unearth album. Smell you later.