Death rides a Mustang
Oy! Such a struggle. When you find yourself consumed with obtaining a copy of a direct-to-video sequel to a Jim Belushi movie, you really have to wonder what it's all worth. Of course, that sort of navel gazing ends as soon as such a ridiculous bourgeois quest is completed.
Not only do most of the video stores in the area not carry the original "K-9" (I watched it via Comcast's handy OnDemand), they certainly don't have the second volume of the trilogy. Such is the nature of the modern video store, where unless you're looking for something released within the last year, an '80s comedy you've seen a million times or some bona fide Hollywood classic, it's pretty much a crapshoot. But cool mom and pop shops still exist, run by cool folks who realize that all those old, unloved tapes collecting dust might one day bring in a loser like myself, consumed with obtaining a copy of a direct-to-video sequel to a Jim Belushi movie. Video lord The Wizard of Gore suggested such a store in Mount Prospect, and they miraculously had the whole batch of Dooley/Jerry Lee adventures, as well as a fine selection of Something Weird obscurities and the most bad-ass horror selection since the heyday of Ken's World of Video. Let's be gettin' into it.
"K-911"
(1999)
So, a decade later, Mike Dooley's still somehow on the force, still prowling the streets of L.A. with the curmudgeonly German Shepherd Jerry Lee, and still played by singing, dancing and writing Renaissance lout Jim, er, James Belushi (the trailer, curiously, refers to him as Jim). The tubby hack is the only cast member to return from the original flick, except for James Handy in the thankless role of Captain Byers. Seems the pooch who played Jerry Lee in "K-9," who was a drug sniffing dog for the Kansas City police in real life, died in the line of duty back in 1991, so here his tics are tackled by an upstart named Mac. Of course, Belushi's no stranger to sequels which could not reunite the cast of the first movie due to the cold hand of the Reaper - witness "Blues Brothers 2000." Or, better yet, don't. At this point, I expect a sequel to "Real Men" with French Stewart taking over John Ritter's role, or maybe "Gang Related 2" with Nelly standing in for Tupac. I suppose it's fitting that the original dog was too dead to reprise his role in "K-911," as a morose fog of entropy and demise hangs over the whole rueful picture.
Despite the lack of familiar faces surrounding Belushi, "K-911" is not one of those lazy sequels that ignores the conventions established by the first movie. Actually, it's one of those where a bunch of scenes from the first movie are flat out repeated. Screenwriter Gary Scott Thompson, who also gave us the awful Paul Verhoeven rape fantasy "Hollow Man" and the awful-looking testosterone fest "The Fast and the Furious," obviously doesn't believe in the silly old theory that says surprise plays a crucial role in effective comedy. The only good thing this guy ever touched was "Split Second," a surprisingly gory, cheap, weird and enjoyable Rutger Hauer/Kim Cattrall vehicle that I was privileged to catch during its brief theatrical run. As for director Charles T. Kanganis, the most distinguished things on his strictly direct-to-video resumé are a pair of Traci Lords action flicks, in which the would-be dance club diva is surely less convincing than in the less-seen roles she played during her, um, younger days. In addition, the director's name makes me picture a mascot for an Australian brand of children's sneakers, and I hope I never meet him so I can keep that image.
Right off the bat, it's clear that "K-911" will be a tough slog, as we see Belushi in his boxers again during the opening credits. He wakes up with Jerry Lee in his bed, and for those fortunate enough to have missed "K-9," the pair's relationship as a bickering but loving old couple is established with a sickening montage depicting their morning ritual. Man and dog not only share a bed, but a toothbrush, Q-Tips, cereal bowls and even a shower. When a grown man is unashamed and unafraid to display his lathery junk before an animal renowned for his skill at clamping his jaws around male genitals, you know there's some solid trust at work. True to the "K-9" formula of playing recognizable songs during crowd-pleasing moments, this is all set to the strains of Jackie Wilson's "(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher," a good song used to similar nauseating effect during the climax of "Ghostbusters II."
The grizzled slob's beloved Mustang is still rolling, only now it's green. Dooley can't be bothered to park on the correct side of his own street, so he has a shitload of parking tickets piled up, reminding us that this guy is a poor excuse for someone ostensibly obsessed with upholding the law. When he and Jerry Lee prove too out of shape to catch an armored gunman who suddenly attacks them at the ATM, Capt. Byers slaps Dooley like a bitch and sentences them to undergo a physical, during which Dooley charmingly quips that his face is red not because of high blood pressure, but due to "a drinking problem." Jerry Lee, getting on in years himself, is prescribed medicine that makes him flatulent, and the pair tries out a half-assed exercise regimen documented in another unfunny montage set to a Jackie Wilson song, this time the less played-out "Baby Workout."
None of this mugging and capering does any good, of course, so Byers - a classic enabler - assigns them partners to assist their decrepit investigations. It's Sgt. Welles (Christine Tucci, sister of Stanley), one of them newfangled lady cops, and Zeus, a Doberman Pinscher trained in anti-terrorist tactics who responds to commands in Dutch. This team naturally establishes that it's as professional and disciplined as our heroes are slipshod and ramshackle, ensuring that we'll get lots of bickering that will turn into grudging admiration. When Welles explains that Zeus attacks criminals through windows, Dooley lamely counters that Jerry Lee mastered Windows '98: "He's got his own chat room... Dogs For Dogs?" Imagine how that zinger will play in thirty years.
Out in the field, mean n' lean Zeus shows up crusty old Jerry Lee, who has taken to laying down a lot. The dog gets all sulky, and he sits in the bombed-out remains of the Mustang after it gets blown up by a goofy gun-runner. Dooley tries various methods of cheering him up, including taking Jerry Lee to a park for a hot dog and some quick, anonymous sex. The pooch finds a poodle who looks just like the one in the first movie (hey, he has consistent taste), and we are treated to a rerun of the creepy "K-9" dog seduction scene, the overused oldie for this round being Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman." One abandoned cheer-up tactic involves letting Jerry Lee watch his favorite movie, "Beethoven," the first in a series I was actually considering for next summer's abominable movie endeavor... until I realized there are five of them.
I should mention that this sequence contains images of Jim Belushi cuddling and kissing a male German Shepherd while cooing that the dog is "so pretty."
As Su*Fi Karyn predicted as soon as soon as I told her the back-of-box plot, the mismatched human cops fall in love. "Wait," you cry. "What happened to Tracy, the woman Dooley was living with in the first movie? He saved her from those drug runners, they went to Vegas... weren't they a sure thing?" You had the same reaction I did. We find out early on that Tracy is dead, and Dooley feels vaguely guilty about it, although her death was due to an undisclosed illness. Nonetheless, he is a swingin' single again, and since Dooley copulated with Welles one drunken night four years ago, it's all but required that these two fulfill their ugly amorous destiny. For her part, she's quite sour, strident, uptight and unpleasant, and finds Dooley immature and arrogant until he gets all sappy about his dead wife. Sucka.
There's more plot, too, some really ridiculous crap concerning the aforementioned shadowy ATM gunman. Let me blow it for you: he's a frustrated writer whose novel was turned down by Tracy, who was a book editor. In the process, she had apparently complimented him on his potential, and he had developed an obsessive crush on her because of a platitude he interpreted as encouragement. However, for some reason, Tracy had also made Dooley read the psycho's draft. He only read the beginning and end of it, but told the guy he didn't think the police scenes were real enough. Anyway, the loony taped a bunch of their conversations, and he walks around his house listening to them to stoke his own rage. He's got a sad little shrine built to Tracy, but I can't tell if the set decorators actually used pictures of Mel Harris, the actress who played her in "K-9." I know one thing: when he decides to stalk Welles, he takes pictures of her in public, develops the whole properly-composed shot, then just tears off the part of the print with Welles in it. I'm no photography wiz, but couldn't this asshole save on photo paper if he just developed the part of the shot that he wanted?
A bunch of other bullshit happens, such as Detective Dooley stealing a vehicle from the meter maid who's been writing all those tickets after she boots his wrecked car (she doesn't look very upset about it). During the stilted climax, the writer screams that he's tormenting Dooley because he was mean to him. Also, he thinks Dooley didn't deserve Tracy and says he's responsible for her death. "She was sick of being a cop's wife!" he spits, accusing him of driving her to an early grave. This is a pretty interesting assertion, and the closest either of the "K-9" pictures I've seen comes to pointedly criticizing Dooley's moral character. My impression of the Dooley/Tracy relationship from the first movie was that he was making her unhappy because he was too busy doing dumb shit to spend time with her, and the introduction of the dog only gave him more excuses to not be home. Maybe the crazy guy isn't entirely wrong. Of course, the idea is quickly glossed over.
Jerry Lee saves the day by leaping off a roof onto the psycho writer, a daring move which knocks the gunman over and is conveniently just powerful enough to render him unconscious. It's like something out of a "Scooby-Doo" episode where Shaggy knocks over some maple syrup jugs and the villain gets stuck to the floor. Simply ludicrous.
Welles sneaks Jerry Lee into the hospital to see Dooley, showing just how much of a bad influence the guy can be - he ignored health codes himself by bringing a dog into a hospital during the denouement of his first adventure. In the end, she's wheeling him out, and they're arguing over whether to go out for Chinese or Italian, their playful tones barely cloaking the seething animosity that forms the core of their relationship. She ultimately wants to go wherever he doesn't want to go, and he's trying to psych her out by acting indifferent about it. This ominous vision of the new couple's miserable, emotionally violent future concludes with a reprise of the workout footage, complete with a terrible pop R&B dance song by a Dutch group called Voices In Motion (what is it with this movie and The Netherlands?) and humorless Where-Are-They-Now?-type text that assures us "Jerry Lee remains at Dooley's side..."
Coming soon: "K-9: P.I." I'm gonna go wash my eyes out with some "Firefly."
This post was accompanied by Tuatha de Danann's dandy Trova Di Danú, Deströyer 666's ripping Six Songs With the Devil, Borknagar's mellow Origin, The Meads of Asphodel's zany The Mill Hill Sessions, Necrophobic's overlong Hrimthursum, Akron/Family's warped Meek Warrior, Orphaned Land's exotic The Beloved's Cry and Elvenking's jig-tastic Wyrd. Yep, been feeling kinda folky. Autumn is nigh!
Not only do most of the video stores in the area not carry the original "K-9" (I watched it via Comcast's handy OnDemand), they certainly don't have the second volume of the trilogy. Such is the nature of the modern video store, where unless you're looking for something released within the last year, an '80s comedy you've seen a million times or some bona fide Hollywood classic, it's pretty much a crapshoot. But cool mom and pop shops still exist, run by cool folks who realize that all those old, unloved tapes collecting dust might one day bring in a loser like myself, consumed with obtaining a copy of a direct-to-video sequel to a Jim Belushi movie. Video lord The Wizard of Gore suggested such a store in Mount Prospect, and they miraculously had the whole batch of Dooley/Jerry Lee adventures, as well as a fine selection of Something Weird obscurities and the most bad-ass horror selection since the heyday of Ken's World of Video. Let's be gettin' into it.
"K-911"
(1999)
So, a decade later, Mike Dooley's still somehow on the force, still prowling the streets of L.A. with the curmudgeonly German Shepherd Jerry Lee, and still played by singing, dancing and writing Renaissance lout Jim, er, James Belushi (the trailer, curiously, refers to him as Jim). The tubby hack is the only cast member to return from the original flick, except for James Handy in the thankless role of Captain Byers. Seems the pooch who played Jerry Lee in "K-9," who was a drug sniffing dog for the Kansas City police in real life, died in the line of duty back in 1991, so here his tics are tackled by an upstart named Mac. Of course, Belushi's no stranger to sequels which could not reunite the cast of the first movie due to the cold hand of the Reaper - witness "Blues Brothers 2000." Or, better yet, don't. At this point, I expect a sequel to "Real Men" with French Stewart taking over John Ritter's role, or maybe "Gang Related 2" with Nelly standing in for Tupac. I suppose it's fitting that the original dog was too dead to reprise his role in "K-911," as a morose fog of entropy and demise hangs over the whole rueful picture.
Despite the lack of familiar faces surrounding Belushi, "K-911" is not one of those lazy sequels that ignores the conventions established by the first movie. Actually, it's one of those where a bunch of scenes from the first movie are flat out repeated. Screenwriter Gary Scott Thompson, who also gave us the awful Paul Verhoeven rape fantasy "Hollow Man" and the awful-looking testosterone fest "The Fast and the Furious," obviously doesn't believe in the silly old theory that says surprise plays a crucial role in effective comedy. The only good thing this guy ever touched was "Split Second," a surprisingly gory, cheap, weird and enjoyable Rutger Hauer/Kim Cattrall vehicle that I was privileged to catch during its brief theatrical run. As for director Charles T. Kanganis, the most distinguished things on his strictly direct-to-video resumé are a pair of Traci Lords action flicks, in which the would-be dance club diva is surely less convincing than in the less-seen roles she played during her, um, younger days. In addition, the director's name makes me picture a mascot for an Australian brand of children's sneakers, and I hope I never meet him so I can keep that image.
Right off the bat, it's clear that "K-911" will be a tough slog, as we see Belushi in his boxers again during the opening credits. He wakes up with Jerry Lee in his bed, and for those fortunate enough to have missed "K-9," the pair's relationship as a bickering but loving old couple is established with a sickening montage depicting their morning ritual. Man and dog not only share a bed, but a toothbrush, Q-Tips, cereal bowls and even a shower. When a grown man is unashamed and unafraid to display his lathery junk before an animal renowned for his skill at clamping his jaws around male genitals, you know there's some solid trust at work. True to the "K-9" formula of playing recognizable songs during crowd-pleasing moments, this is all set to the strains of Jackie Wilson's "(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher," a good song used to similar nauseating effect during the climax of "Ghostbusters II."
The grizzled slob's beloved Mustang is still rolling, only now it's green. Dooley can't be bothered to park on the correct side of his own street, so he has a shitload of parking tickets piled up, reminding us that this guy is a poor excuse for someone ostensibly obsessed with upholding the law. When he and Jerry Lee prove too out of shape to catch an armored gunman who suddenly attacks them at the ATM, Capt. Byers slaps Dooley like a bitch and sentences them to undergo a physical, during which Dooley charmingly quips that his face is red not because of high blood pressure, but due to "a drinking problem." Jerry Lee, getting on in years himself, is prescribed medicine that makes him flatulent, and the pair tries out a half-assed exercise regimen documented in another unfunny montage set to a Jackie Wilson song, this time the less played-out "Baby Workout."
None of this mugging and capering does any good, of course, so Byers - a classic enabler - assigns them partners to assist their decrepit investigations. It's Sgt. Welles (Christine Tucci, sister of Stanley), one of them newfangled lady cops, and Zeus, a Doberman Pinscher trained in anti-terrorist tactics who responds to commands in Dutch. This team naturally establishes that it's as professional and disciplined as our heroes are slipshod and ramshackle, ensuring that we'll get lots of bickering that will turn into grudging admiration. When Welles explains that Zeus attacks criminals through windows, Dooley lamely counters that Jerry Lee mastered Windows '98: "He's got his own chat room... Dogs For Dogs?" Imagine how that zinger will play in thirty years.
Out in the field, mean n' lean Zeus shows up crusty old Jerry Lee, who has taken to laying down a lot. The dog gets all sulky, and he sits in the bombed-out remains of the Mustang after it gets blown up by a goofy gun-runner. Dooley tries various methods of cheering him up, including taking Jerry Lee to a park for a hot dog and some quick, anonymous sex. The pooch finds a poodle who looks just like the one in the first movie (hey, he has consistent taste), and we are treated to a rerun of the creepy "K-9" dog seduction scene, the overused oldie for this round being Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman." One abandoned cheer-up tactic involves letting Jerry Lee watch his favorite movie, "Beethoven," the first in a series I was actually considering for next summer's abominable movie endeavor... until I realized there are five of them.
I should mention that this sequence contains images of Jim Belushi cuddling and kissing a male German Shepherd while cooing that the dog is "so pretty."
As Su*Fi Karyn predicted as soon as soon as I told her the back-of-box plot, the mismatched human cops fall in love. "Wait," you cry. "What happened to Tracy, the woman Dooley was living with in the first movie? He saved her from those drug runners, they went to Vegas... weren't they a sure thing?" You had the same reaction I did. We find out early on that Tracy is dead, and Dooley feels vaguely guilty about it, although her death was due to an undisclosed illness. Nonetheless, he is a swingin' single again, and since Dooley copulated with Welles one drunken night four years ago, it's all but required that these two fulfill their ugly amorous destiny. For her part, she's quite sour, strident, uptight and unpleasant, and finds Dooley immature and arrogant until he gets all sappy about his dead wife. Sucka.
There's more plot, too, some really ridiculous crap concerning the aforementioned shadowy ATM gunman. Let me blow it for you: he's a frustrated writer whose novel was turned down by Tracy, who was a book editor. In the process, she had apparently complimented him on his potential, and he had developed an obsessive crush on her because of a platitude he interpreted as encouragement. However, for some reason, Tracy had also made Dooley read the psycho's draft. He only read the beginning and end of it, but told the guy he didn't think the police scenes were real enough. Anyway, the loony taped a bunch of their conversations, and he walks around his house listening to them to stoke his own rage. He's got a sad little shrine built to Tracy, but I can't tell if the set decorators actually used pictures of Mel Harris, the actress who played her in "K-9." I know one thing: when he decides to stalk Welles, he takes pictures of her in public, develops the whole properly-composed shot, then just tears off the part of the print with Welles in it. I'm no photography wiz, but couldn't this asshole save on photo paper if he just developed the part of the shot that he wanted?
A bunch of other bullshit happens, such as Detective Dooley stealing a vehicle from the meter maid who's been writing all those tickets after she boots his wrecked car (she doesn't look very upset about it). During the stilted climax, the writer screams that he's tormenting Dooley because he was mean to him. Also, he thinks Dooley didn't deserve Tracy and says he's responsible for her death. "She was sick of being a cop's wife!" he spits, accusing him of driving her to an early grave. This is a pretty interesting assertion, and the closest either of the "K-9" pictures I've seen comes to pointedly criticizing Dooley's moral character. My impression of the Dooley/Tracy relationship from the first movie was that he was making her unhappy because he was too busy doing dumb shit to spend time with her, and the introduction of the dog only gave him more excuses to not be home. Maybe the crazy guy isn't entirely wrong. Of course, the idea is quickly glossed over.
Jerry Lee saves the day by leaping off a roof onto the psycho writer, a daring move which knocks the gunman over and is conveniently just powerful enough to render him unconscious. It's like something out of a "Scooby-Doo" episode where Shaggy knocks over some maple syrup jugs and the villain gets stuck to the floor. Simply ludicrous.
Welles sneaks Jerry Lee into the hospital to see Dooley, showing just how much of a bad influence the guy can be - he ignored health codes himself by bringing a dog into a hospital during the denouement of his first adventure. In the end, she's wheeling him out, and they're arguing over whether to go out for Chinese or Italian, their playful tones barely cloaking the seething animosity that forms the core of their relationship. She ultimately wants to go wherever he doesn't want to go, and he's trying to psych her out by acting indifferent about it. This ominous vision of the new couple's miserable, emotionally violent future concludes with a reprise of the workout footage, complete with a terrible pop R&B dance song by a Dutch group called Voices In Motion (what is it with this movie and The Netherlands?) and humorless Where-Are-They-Now?-type text that assures us "Jerry Lee remains at Dooley's side..."
Coming soon: "K-9: P.I." I'm gonna go wash my eyes out with some "Firefly."
This post was accompanied by Tuatha de Danann's dandy Trova Di Danú, Deströyer 666's ripping Six Songs With the Devil, Borknagar's mellow Origin, The Meads of Asphodel's zany The Mill Hill Sessions, Necrophobic's overlong Hrimthursum, Akron/Family's warped Meek Warrior, Orphaned Land's exotic The Beloved's Cry and Elvenking's jig-tastic Wyrd. Yep, been feeling kinda folky. Autumn is nigh!
posted by SoulReaper at 12:12 AM
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