5.31.2007

RECIPE #5: New Zealand Broiled Orange Roughy

Kee-rist, I barely had time to sneak this one in. I literally had to schedule this evening to make recipe numero cinco, today being the last day of May. Social butterfly, hell; I feel more like a big fat hairy hummingbird. Seriously, for the past few weeks, it has been go, go, go, every day from morning until night. It's good that gas prices are going down a little. I really need to invite people over more, or to start making fakey excuses, or something. Not that I haven't enjoyed most of my free time, but I can barely remember what it was like to stay in for the evening (or afternoon). I didn't even have time to post this thing I wrote about "Spider-Man 4" back when "Spider-Man 3" opened. How am I supposed to relax when I'm constantly hopping off to this or that?

Yet, conversely, if I was sitting on my curiously flat rump at home, I wouldn't have had the chance to experience "Brand Upon the Brain!" with the astounding live soundtrack, or to take in Emperor's first Chicago show since 1999, or to enjoy the most action-packed and freaking amazing Memorial Day weekend I've had in years. I even managed to finish "The Dark Tower" the other day. I'm busy as shit, but things are very good. As the great Kool Keith once put it, "How you gonna flex with Domino's Pizza in your living room?" And speaking of dining at home...
Thinking ahead, I bought a buncha orange roughy a while ago, simply because I remembered grilling it once and enjoying it immensely. Not owning a grill, I needed a recipe that worked in my kitchen. A lot of those that I found online sounded pretty gross - especially those involving dousing the suckers with canned soup - or went the rote "soak them in lemon butter" route. I wanted something cooler than that, but being short on time, I couldn't do something too elaborate. So, I decided on this one, which at least required several phases of preparation, looked tasty and vaguely healthy to boot. Since I was only cooking for myself this time, I halved the recipe and still had leftovers. I'm not too big on leftover fish, but I'll suck it up. As for whether the recipe is authentically Kiwi of origin or whether the recipe's title simply points out that orange roughy is often identified with New Zealand, I'm sure only Zoë Bell knows for sure.

I technically began yesterday by sticking three roughy filets in the fridge to defrost before I rolled out to meet Ephemera Jones for the Emperor show. Today, I moved the fishies to a glass baking dish. For the marinade, I combined a tablespoon of filtered water, 1/2 teaspoon of peeled and minced ginger, 1/4 teaspoon of store brand soy sauce, 1/4 teaspoon of freshly squeezed lemon juice and what I estimated to be 1/8 teaspoon of crushed red pepper that I had left over from a pizza order - I had to eyeball half of a 1/4 teaspoon, since that's the smallest measuring spoon I own. I also had to do without the blender the instructions call for, since such a device is not in my arsenal yet. Instead, the wire whisk gave the yellowish mixture a good thrashing. The marinade went over the roughy filets, I covered them and stuck them in the fridge for two hours.
While the fish soaked up the juice, I did some dishes, burned some white sage, finished listening to the fantastic Anathema bootleg I started yesterday and bopped along with The Pipettes' awesome We Are The Pipettes, drank some water and worked on this post. The recipe called for sesame seeds that were toasted but did not specify how to make them so. Do they sell pre-toasted sesame seeds? I decided to spread a tablespoon of the little bastards evenly over the surface of a broiler pan and subject them to the broiler's fiery wrath for a few minutes. As soon as they started to sizzle, I yanked the pan out and gave it a good shake before sticking it back in for another minute or so. This improvisation worked like magic, and I imagine I'll be toasting sesame seeds for things all the time now.

Anyway, next I sprinkled the toasted seeds over the marinated seafood. The fish went into the broiler pan (now doused with Pam), then right under the broiler. "Don't overcook!" emphasizes the recipe, so I watched them shits obsessively. The specified cooking time of 6 to 8 minutes worked fine for the thinnest filet, but the other two were thicker and needed to go back under the broiler for another couple of minutes before they were firm enough to eat. At first, I didn't taste the marinade at all, just the fish and the sesame. I wondered if I had made a mistake in halving the marinade ingredients. After several bites, however, the light aroma of citrus and ginger kicked in, as did the red pepper. It's a very pleasant flavor, and I got a little warm after eating due to the slight spiciness of the dish. The sesame seeds give it a nice bit of crunch. Served with some (microwaved) broccoli, this was a fine meal.

Seriously, I might be sick of hearing about them in a few months, but right now this album by The Pipettes is kicking my ass. If you like girl group oldies and can imagine how cool they would sound if delivered by cute young British indie chicks, this is totally for you. The whole damn thing is currently streaming at their site, so click that link and rock out, sucka. If you don't have a spare 33 minutes to listen, at least watch this video for "Pull Shapes," especially if you're a Russ Meyer fan:

5.25.2007

Tears will cause thy wheels to rust

THOU: "Lo, yon SoulReaper! Yea and verily, I have missed thee greatly. Where hast thou been skulking, ye handsome cretin?"

All over the freaking place, is where. Since I last rapped at ya, I:

-Skipped seeing Watain at the Empty Bottle as previously announced
-Marveled at a sobering little docudrama called "The Road to Guantanamo" (from the director of "Jude")
-Spilled a froo-froo martini on myself
-Enjoyed the comic grotesqueries of Joe Coleman's "The Mystery of Woolverine Woo-Bait"
-Worked several loooong days
-Visited a few of you
-Had my cable shut off and turned on again due a billing snafu
-Thrilled to the twisty first season of "Alias" and delighted at the Ropers-heavy third season of "Three's Company," courtesy of the Queen and the Big Man
-Spoke with Guy Maddin on the phone for more than half an hour (my review of "Brand Upon the Brain!" and full interview transcript here)
-Took the family out for a combined Mother's Day/Father's Day brunch
-Worked a little bit on both of my screenplays
-Missed the Porcupine Tree show for which I had a ticket, because by the time I completed my two-hour drive to the damn Park West, there was nowhere to park
-Bowled at a tiny alley above a hardware shop
-Stayed up talking all night with a charming lady
-Ate a ton of frozen fruit
-Et cetera

The main purpose of this post is to tell you about one of the most amazing vintage films I've seen in a while. Once again, props to the Wiz for finding another obscure crapterpiece.

"Roller Blade"
(1986)


It is, of course, the future - the "Second Dark Age," to be exact. A gang of warrior nuns traverses the bleak, purple-skied landscape (which appears to consist primarily of disused aqueducts and factories) on trusty old four-wheeled roller skates, using their kung fu, butterfly knives and huge 1980s hair to keep themselves alive. Over black spandex, the Cosmic Order of Roller Blade often sports gaudy blue-and-white vestments that evoke chaste cheerleader outfits, capped with pointy red hoods and Iron Crosses that make the ladies resemble esoteric Klanspeople. The sisters' dog even has his own cute little red outfit. They have a stilted alliance with the local marshall, as well as a secret chamber adorned with psychedelic stained glass where they worship smiley faces and engage in rituals which involve girls getting buck naked and cuddling with each other in a magical Jacuzzi. Their leader, Mother Speed, sounds like Cloris Leachman in "Young Frankenstein" and is in a wheelchair, yet like most people in this particular dystopia, wears roller skates all the time.

Welcome to the wonderful world of "Roller Blade," which thankfully does not actually contain any inline skates. Its director, Donald G. Jackson, was apparently some sort of minor icon of the cult film universe (get in line, Don). He's also responsible for the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper classic "Hell Comes to Frogtown," several sequels to both "Blade" and "Frogtown" and other fascinating direct-to-video titles including "Ghost Taxi" and "Lingerie Kickboxer." For some reason, Jackson did all the sound for this movie in post-production with different actors providing the voices, which along with his frequent camera zooms had me convinced this was an Italian production until I recognized scream queen Michelle Bauer as one of the nuns. Most of the time, the recorded voices are way out of sync with the actors' lips, and during a few action sequences you can hear dialogue when an actor is clearly not speaking at all. Then there's the fact that the heroic characters all replace their pronouns with "thee" and "thou," when the actors are visibly mouthing "you" and "your." The old-timey speech enables dead-serious readings of great lines such as:

-"On thy skates!"
-"Yea and verily, it has been hard."
-"The longer thou skate, the less thou fall. Now thou learneth."
-"I see in thine eyes great passion. Yea, verily, we all need such passion."
-"Ho! Skate not from this place!"


The sisters' chief nemesis, Dr. Saticoy, sports what appears to be an S&M mask painted silver over a lavender ski hat. He doesn't move his mouth at all, but his silly vocal distortion makes him hard to understand anyway. At least he's not as incomprehensible as the "comic relief" beastie who assists him by giggling and shrieking obnoxious catchphrases. This little thing looks like the Imp from "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama" with the head of the Freddy snake from the climax of "A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors," and is not as funny as either of them. It's obviously a puppet, a crappy one at that, but the most confounding thing about the little creature is I can't tell whether it's supposed to be part of Saticoy's body - and I've sat through this twice now. It only runs around on its own once Saticoy's hand gets cut off near the end. Anyway, these two are only a sample of the morons who bother the nuns. There's a trio of archetypal skater punks and the "samurai" gang on the video box, which kidnaps several nuns and makes them fight each other naked (on roller skates). Saticoy also has henchmen, one of whom looks exactly like Bernie (as in "Weekend at...") and is easily the most '80s-looking person in the flick. Not only does he sport one of those braided cords on his sunglasses, he's got a checkered painter's cap with the flaps on the back. Christ, how I wanted one of those when I was about nine... and they are still rad.

The plot, what little there is, revolves around the kind-hearted Sister Sharon (Suzanne Solari, who looks kind of hot in the habit, but not so much once she reveals her scraggly 'do). She takes an injured blonde drifter under her wing and trains her in the way of the Order, unaware that the lady is a mercenary under orders from Saticoy to infiltrate the sisters and steal their mystical crystal. This plastic gem is the source of the sisters' power, demonstrated when one nun heals another's slashed throat by holding her knife over it, and later when the convent's dog raises a hobo from the dead to help them. (The same hobo earlier kidnapped the marshall's son, a mewling little nitwit with a red Member's Only jacket and a trucker's hat.) Each time the gem does its thing, an astoundingly primitive '80s computer graphic of a big pink smiley face appears. When the blonde, dubbed Sister Fortune, runs off with the crystal, Sharon vows to get it back.

Fortune has a tender scene walking on the beach, wherein she reminisces about skating and hugging with Sharon. She has a change of heart, but dies delivering the crystal to Sharon, who then enlists the undead hobo to beat up the punk dudes. He tells one, "I'm gonna break your hair!" The marshall gets in a fierce fistfight with the Bernie henchman, and after Bernie lands one that makes the marshall slip on his skates and crash to the ground (this stunt does not look staged), the marshall tosses Bernie into a vat of acid. Meanwhile, while fighting Saticoy, Sharon gets acid spilled on her spandex and is forced to strip down to her panties and skates. Saticoy's plan all along was to use the pilfered crystal to power his "acid-fueled" rocket sled and leap over a canyon, where a supply of weapons awaits in some sort of factory. Sharon throws her knife at Saticoy when he's in mid-air and he tumbles off into the abyss, in yet another shoddy computer-assisted visual. The crystal goes into the canyon with the villain, but Sharon shrugs off the loss since she's discovered that the power was inside her all along. What!? Well, the Cosmic Order of Roller Blade skates on to their other adventures, and that's that. Hey, at least people still listen to G.B.H. and Bad Brains in the future.

Coming soon: this month's recipe, a deadly new batch of songs in the player and the long-promised Chicago Powerfest 2007 overview. Until then, take 'er sleazy.

5.03.2007

Taking stock, Vol. 1

A complete list of musical acts which I've seen perform live so far this year, in order:

1. Withering Soul (x2)
2. Abigail Williams
3. Enslaved
4. Dark Funeral
5. Will of the Ancients
6. Vesperian Sorrow
7. Slough Feg
8. Vreid
9. Månegarm
10. Dark Forest
11. Gwynbleidd
12. Earthen
13. Shroud of Bereavement
14. Hordes of Yore
15. Mael Mórdha
16. Obtest
17. Rudra
18. Skyforger
19. Bal-Sagoth
20. Asobi Seksu
21. The Appleseed Cast
22. The Monocles
23. Margot and the Nuclear So and So's
24. Man Man
25. Twelfth Gate
26. Mindwarp Chamber
27. Lupara
28. Belphegor
29. Krisiun
30. Unleashed
31. Clad In Darkness
32. Epicurean
33. Rise Against
34. My Chemical Romance
35. Murder By Death
36. The Tossers
37. The Reverend Horton Heat
38. Secret Chiefs 3
39. Sleepytime Gorilla Museum
40. Magical, Beautiful
41. Parenthetical Girls
42. The Dead Science
43. Dark Tranquillity
44. The Haunted
45. Lord Mantis
46. Yakuza
47. Genghis Tron
48. Kylesa
49. Plaid
50. Shellac
51. Iggy and The Stooges
52. Light This City
53. The Number 12 Looks Like You
54. HORSE the band
55. Shatter Messiah
56. Suspyre
57. Benedictum
58. Solitude Aeturnus
59. Lethal
60. Thurisaz
61. Novembers Doom
62. Saturnus
63. Martyr
64. Atheist
65. Brandon and pal @ Red Line Tap open mic

Next show is Thursday... a real metal tour at hipster haven Empty Bottle? We've come a long way, baby!

More actual content will be here soon.