Get thee behind me, Santa
Hey, I'm back. In the first of another two-part series, the mp3 player is updated with SoulReaper-approved songs of the season. Some are snotty, some are sappy, some are just plain bizarre. I did my best to avoid the moldy tunes you'll hear endlessly as you troll the malls this month, although there are a number of chestnuts roasted in an untraditional manner.
It's no secret that Xmas isn't my favorite holiday season, although it does have its charms: boozy reunions with family and friends, garish adornments, twinkling bells, blazing lights and spicy baked goods. I feel that the best "sincere" holiday songs capture that chilly/toasty feeling without getting too religious about it. Otherwise, I'm all for lobbing grenades at the sleigh. Everyone takes Xmas way too seriously, even those who hate their families or complain about the monetary issues it raises. Perhaps we all just wish it was like when we were very young, when the mystery and pageantry and harmony felt real. Perhaps those memories are powerful enough to sustain some people, and that's awesome for them. For the rest of us, I present a look at some of my favorite holiday songs.
1. Stan Freberg: "Green Christmas" (1958) - We begin with one of the most timeless Xmas novelty numbers ever recorded. The mighty Stan Freberg, who also gave us the classic bit "Christmas Dragnet" and "Nuttin' for Christmas," takes on the commercialization of the holidays. It's a seven-minute whirlwind of short songs and slogans built into a skit set during an advertising meeting, over which Freberg presides as a blustery Mr. Scrooge. This track was released nearly fifty years ago. If you hear someone say "Oh, Christmas is getting too commercial" this year, kindly remind them that it's been that way for a long time.
2. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: "Jingle Bells" (1992) - The holly jolly favorite, delivered in the manner most of us truly love. Tell me that you don't think of these alternate schoolyard lyrics every time you hear the song. Piano wiz Pete "Wet Dawg" Gordon starts this number from the raucous Horny Holidays! LP with a fun little flourish, and Mojo's whiskey-burned growl brings it home. These days, Mojo is supposedly retired from the music biz, but he hosts an alt.country show for Sirius radio as well as the charmingly titled political talk show, "Lyin' Cocksuckers."
3. The Crystals: "Parade of the Wooden Soldiers" (1963) - People are always all Ronnie Spector this, Darlene Love that, but I'll take LaLa Brooks over any of the Phil Spector sirens. The lead voice of "Da Doo Ron Ron" and "Then He Kissed Me" was radically different from all the rest of the girl group singers, and Spector usually used an echo effect on her voice that gave her a kind of spooky glow. Here she is with some other young ladies assembled under the name The Crystals. The song comes from A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector, one of the few "nice" Xmas records I can enjoy in its entirety. Spector's fabled "Wall of Sound" translates perfectly to the sparkling, snow-blanketed Xmas aesthetic.
4. Sloppy Seconds: "Hooray for Santa Claus" (1992) - "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" gets a lot of shit from people who have something aginst "bad" movies, yet who usually have things like "Speed" and "2 Fast 2 Furious" in their DVD collections. Me, I think it's great. I loved it when I saw it in my youth on Channel 11 (PBS for you out-of-towners), and it's one of my favorite "Mystery Science Theater 3000" targets. It's amazingly cheap and ridiculous, and the closing song, originally sung by a chorus of enthusiastic children, totally rules. Here's a jacked-up rendition from the Lonely Christmas EP by "junk rock" lowlifes Sloppy Seconds, who I am pleased to learn are still active.
5. The Kinks: "Father Christmas" (1976) - This is one of those songs I heard on the radio one time as a kid and really loved, but didn't find out who did it until years later, when I saw the promo clip on "Night Flight." Ray Davies tells a great story, such as the one at hand about getting his ass kicked by a bunch of poor kids while playing a department store Santa. The song is a super catchy proto-punk rocker, deserving its status as a staple of Xmas playlists. Its intentions are good - reflect upon those who have less than you do - but the delivery is pure piss and gin. I swear, "Weird Al" stole the beginning of this tune for "Don't Wear Those Shoes."
6. The Pogues: "Fairytale of New York" (1987) - I don't understand how this bittersweet Celtic number became a widely accepted Xmas classic. Yet, just as you're bound to hear "Born in the U.S.A." at any fireworks display on July 4th, so this complicated conversation between longtime lovers tends to pop up on a lot of mainstream holiday compilations. It was actually re-released as a UK single last year to raise funds for a group demanding justice for the death of singer Kirsty MacColl, who joins that loveable rotten-toothed drunk Shane MacGowan on vocals here. It's certainly a tearjerker, but not a feel-good one. That's cool with me, as I usually feel like this on Xmas.
7. The Hollytones: "Christmas is Coming Twice This Year" (?) - I don't know anything about The Hollytones, other than the fact that they are on the 1995 Dr. Demento compilation Holidays in Dementia, where they also contribute the less amusing "Gridlock Christmas." From the opening slide whistle to the kids laughing at the end, this tune's mocking tone is great. It's a fine portrait of what selfish little bastards children can be, using guilt or flattery to manipulate their divorced parents into trying to out-gift each other. The music is really sterile and inoffensive, which works well against the cynical lyrics.
8. Run-DMC: "Christmas Is" (1992) - Sure, anyone who's seen "Die Hard" knows Run-DMC's immortal "Christmas in Hollis," which is easily the greatest Christmas hip-hop song ever. But few know this follow-up. "Hollis" first appeared on the charity album A Very Special Christmas, and this one was on the second edition of the series. Nestled right between Michael Bolton and Extreme on a CD that also boasted such talents as Debbie Gibson, Wilson Phillips, Jon Bon Jovi and Paul Young(?!?!?), the album isn't worth shit to me aside from this second and final holiday offering by the trio of Simmons, McDaniels and Mizell. It's no scratch on "Hollis," since Run-DMC's long, painful decline had already set in when they did this, but it's still pretty cool.
9. The Vandals: "Oi to the World!" (1996) - As I assembled this, it occured to me that there are way more good Xmas songs from the punk realm than from metal. Why is that? Metal is generally much more concerned with religion and sentiment. However, punk is generally much more concerned with making fun of stuff, and Xmas is an easy target. It's rare to find a good punk rock Xmas tune that's irreverent but not completely snotty, and the title track sticks out as such on The Vandals' typically goofy Oi to the World! LP. Doubling as a tribute to classic British street punk (from the fake Cockney accent to the oi! chants), it's a nice story about an Indian kid and a skinhead getting into a fight at a punk show, but who eventually bond in the spirit of the season. No Doubt later sucked the joy out of it on A Very Special Christmas 3.
10. Parenthetical Girls: "Last Christmas" (2006) - Thankfully not a Wham! cover, this nugget of seasonal sentiment comes from the third in a series of Xmas EPs self-released in tiny numbers by Seattle indie chamber popsters Parenthetical Girls. They only sell these at shows, and while I was stuck working the night of their recent Chicago appearance, my buddy The Wizard was there and kindly made me a copy of his. (The original is really cool, the cover is handmade out of penmanship paper.) Parenthetical Girls sounds like this all the time, and being big Spector fans, their music naturally translates to the holiday paradigm. The message of this tune is corny, but true: treasure the people you love this season, because you never know who will still be there next year.
11. Macabre: "Holidays of Horror" (1989) - All right, finally! A great metal Xmas song! Macabre is one of the finest outfits in Chicago metal history. Sourpusses don't like them because they see their serial killer fixation as silly gimmickry, or maybe simply because the trio has a sense of humor. This was evidenced in this early number about Ronald Gene Simmons, an Arkansas man who killed 16 people in the days surrounding Christmas 1987, 14 of them family members. "Holidays" is a good example of Macabre's unique fusion of high-octane death/thrash/grindcore, extraordinarily prodigious musicianship and sicko sing-song whimsy. It also provides the name of Macabre's long-running post-Xmas Chicago metal blowout. This year there are two shows: Dec. 29 at the Clearwater Theater and Dec. 30 at The Pearl Room.
12. Meco: "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)" (1980) - One of my fondest childhood holiday memories was hearing this song when a kid in my class brought in "the 'Star Wars' Christmas record" for a grade school holiday party. I only heard it once, but it made such an impression that the chorus stuck in my head all the way until a few years ago, when I discovered that Rhino had issued Christmas in the Stars on CD. I wasn't shocked to discover that Meco Monardo was responsible for the album, as he made a career out of "Star Wars" tie-in music, from the great disco medley of the John Williams score (the first pop song I ever owned) to the Ewok Celebration LP. I was, however, shocked to learn that its production had nothing to do with the infamous holiday special, as well as that my beloved little ditty - sung by droids assembling presents for Rebel Alliance heroes - got to number 69 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Oh, and Jon Bon Jovi is on this album, too; it was his first recording, credited to "John Bongiovi." I recommend the whole platter for those poor souls who still love Lucas or who think holiday music is more fun the more annoying it gets.
13. John Denver and The Muppets: "Twelve Days of Christmas" (1979) - Other than Fozzie tripping up, this is probably the most straightforward cut on this list. Of course, it's from A Christmas Together, the record culled from the TV special wherein clean-cut folkie Denver jingled bells with Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Dave Goelz and all the other *real* Muppet voices. My parents were big John Denver fans, so I heard him a lot growing up, and contrary to what you might think, I don't hate him at all. He wrote some catchy tunes and seemed like a genuinely nice, progressive guy. Denver and Henson are both gone, and the latter's kids have thrown his legacy straight into the trash. You've got to appreciate these fellas' seminal collaboration, especially if you were in the target generation for its initial release. Video available here.
14. Spinal Tap: "Christmas with the Devil" (1992) - I guess this is sort of a heavy metal Xmas song, or at least Spinal Tap's parody of one, and it has everything you'd expect from such a thing. A comeback by a fake band from a mockumentary released eight years prior, Spinal Tap's Break Like the Wind was a novelty from conception, so it's natural that they'd include a holiday number. It's not the best tune on the album (that would be "The Majesty of Rock"), but it's really funny if you imagine the faces Michael McKean is making delivering these lines. Actually, you can see him doing it here. "Silent night/Violent night!" Ha!
15. The Cryptkeeper: "We Wish You'd Bury the Missus" (1995) - Tales from the Crypt: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas is one of my favorite cheap used CD finds ever. First of all, it's a horror-themed holiday album, which is sadly a rare item even at a point in history when about 200 killer Santa Claus movies have been released. If Glen Morgan can remake "Black Christmas," why can't we get more shit like this? Second, in keeping with the whole EC/HBO "Tales" tradition, the disc is loaded with gore-rible puns that in this context constantly steer every cutesy seasonal trope toward morbid mockery. "We Wish..." is perhaps its crowning moment. Although I do skip the awful "Christmas Rap," I try to listen to this album while wrapping presents every year. It really used to piss off my mom, the biggest Xmas lover I've ever known, but she doesn't have to hear it anymore.
16. The Business: "Step Into Christmas" (1981) - Not to piss on The Vandals, but here's an actual U.K. Oi! band, originally from a 7" of Xmas covers called Bollocks to Christmas they shared with The 4 Skins, The Gonads and Splodge. This has since been reissued on CD with a huge batch of other punk holiday tunes, but it comes to you here straight from Harry May - The Singles Collection. I love The Business, they're pretty much the epitome of grizzled, cantankerous, working class, pint guzzling, fish and chips eating, football scuffling British punks. And they're not racists. I saw the geezers last month at Riot Fest, and they still kick arse. Their attitude toward this cover, and thus obviously toward Elton John's original, is hilarious. I don't really have anything against '70s Elton John, but this song annoys the shit out of me, nearly as much as Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime." I'm glad The Business trounced it.
17. Kip Addotta: "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" (1984) - Dr. Demento introduced me to the classics, but he also does his best to feature a lot of contemporary recording comedians. Sadly, these days it seems that the professional comedy record is sort of a dead art. But for every Mitch Hedberg or Dane Cook or Lewis Black, there are a thousand stand-ups doing home recordings. This guy, Rockford-born Kip Addotta, has been releasing albums on his own for many years. His big hit on Dr. D's show, "Wet Dream," had him delivering an undersea detective story with an onslaught of hilarious fish puns ("I could see the anchor in his eyes") over a musical track. His holiday tune is much more perverse... or is it?
18. Jingle Dogs: "Carol of the Bells" (1995) - My buddy Jon used to be obsessed with one CD that blew everybody's mind: Christmas Unleashed by the Jingle Dogs. He used to drive around listening to it all the time. This was a spin-off from the briefly popular Jingle Cats, who had three CDs to the Jingle Dogs' one and make a guest appearance on this interminable two-minute tune. Did you ever have one of those '80s Casios where you could sample yourself saying "fuck" and then giggle endlessly while you played a rude version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"? Same idea here, only a dude named Mike Spalla sampled dog barks and cat meows, then played Xmas songs over a hysterically cheap synth/drum machine combo. The demand for the feline version of this formula was apparently three times bigger than that for the canine. I don't take that as a reflection on all cat lovers, but, man.
19. Kurtis Blow: "Christmas Rappin'" (1979) - Ah, when rap songs were more rap than song. This was legendary New York MC Kurtis Blow's first single, and was not really a holiday song so much as a long string of rhymes that starts with a bunch of stuff about Santa and reindeer. Released mere weeks after the Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight," it has more in common with that tune than contemporary existence, mainly that both tunes are built on the basic tracks of Chic's "Good Times." Hip-hop very quickly became codified and commodified, rigid and studio-beholden, but in its infancy, it was more about human imagination, superhuman skills and never letting the party stop. Sure, "Christmas Rappin'" is simple. Early MCs and DJs created something new from what they already had; it was punk for folks who couldn't afford to maintain guitars. The world should have much more love for pioneers like Kurtis Blow than it affords them. This Xmas, when you're unwrapping the gift card you will use to download that Bow Wow song to your new iPod, take a second to remember the forefathers.
20. Type O Negative: "Red Water (Christmas Mourning)" (1996) - Finally, we come to a serious contender for the finest metal Xmas tune. During the '90s, a dire time for American metal, Brooklyn's Type O Negative was one of the few decent popular atttractions around. Led by former Carnivore beefcake Peter Steele (link probably not safe for work), their unique mix of doom metal, goth rock, hardcore and Beatles-style pop came draped in a velvety cloak, with pitch-black humor occasionally puncturing the flowery melancholy. By the time they released their third LP, October Rust, they weeded out the crankier musical elements and delivered one of the most lush, gorgeous-sounding productions in goth metal history. The disc was contentious, seen at the time as a sell-out. I've always liked Rust, especially the kitschy Drac-Rock-a-Go-Go single "My Girlfriend's Girlfriend." It's one of those metal albums people who think they don't like metal really should hear. This wintry lament, buried in the midst of a very autumnal set of tunes, is from the perspective of someone whose gathering of loved ones grows smaller by the year. Very genuine and sad, yet appropriately thick with seasonal atmosphere and peppered with doomy carol snippets. If you've ever felt as drunk and miserable on Xmas as I have the past few years, you'll agree that the music captures exactly what it feels like.
Part two coming whenever.
It's no secret that Xmas isn't my favorite holiday season, although it does have its charms: boozy reunions with family and friends, garish adornments, twinkling bells, blazing lights and spicy baked goods. I feel that the best "sincere" holiday songs capture that chilly/toasty feeling without getting too religious about it. Otherwise, I'm all for lobbing grenades at the sleigh. Everyone takes Xmas way too seriously, even those who hate their families or complain about the monetary issues it raises. Perhaps we all just wish it was like when we were very young, when the mystery and pageantry and harmony felt real. Perhaps those memories are powerful enough to sustain some people, and that's awesome for them. For the rest of us, I present a look at some of my favorite holiday songs.
1. Stan Freberg: "Green Christmas" (1958) - We begin with one of the most timeless Xmas novelty numbers ever recorded. The mighty Stan Freberg, who also gave us the classic bit "Christmas Dragnet" and "Nuttin' for Christmas," takes on the commercialization of the holidays. It's a seven-minute whirlwind of short songs and slogans built into a skit set during an advertising meeting, over which Freberg presides as a blustery Mr. Scrooge. This track was released nearly fifty years ago. If you hear someone say "Oh, Christmas is getting too commercial" this year, kindly remind them that it's been that way for a long time.
2. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: "Jingle Bells" (1992) - The holly jolly favorite, delivered in the manner most of us truly love. Tell me that you don't think of these alternate schoolyard lyrics every time you hear the song. Piano wiz Pete "Wet Dawg" Gordon starts this number from the raucous Horny Holidays! LP with a fun little flourish, and Mojo's whiskey-burned growl brings it home. These days, Mojo is supposedly retired from the music biz, but he hosts an alt.country show for Sirius radio as well as the charmingly titled political talk show, "Lyin' Cocksuckers."
3. The Crystals: "Parade of the Wooden Soldiers" (1963) - People are always all Ronnie Spector this, Darlene Love that, but I'll take LaLa Brooks over any of the Phil Spector sirens. The lead voice of "Da Doo Ron Ron" and "Then He Kissed Me" was radically different from all the rest of the girl group singers, and Spector usually used an echo effect on her voice that gave her a kind of spooky glow. Here she is with some other young ladies assembled under the name The Crystals. The song comes from A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector, one of the few "nice" Xmas records I can enjoy in its entirety. Spector's fabled "Wall of Sound" translates perfectly to the sparkling, snow-blanketed Xmas aesthetic.
4. Sloppy Seconds: "Hooray for Santa Claus" (1992) - "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" gets a lot of shit from people who have something aginst "bad" movies, yet who usually have things like "Speed" and "2 Fast 2 Furious" in their DVD collections. Me, I think it's great. I loved it when I saw it in my youth on Channel 11 (PBS for you out-of-towners), and it's one of my favorite "Mystery Science Theater 3000" targets. It's amazingly cheap and ridiculous, and the closing song, originally sung by a chorus of enthusiastic children, totally rules. Here's a jacked-up rendition from the Lonely Christmas EP by "junk rock" lowlifes Sloppy Seconds, who I am pleased to learn are still active.
5. The Kinks: "Father Christmas" (1976) - This is one of those songs I heard on the radio one time as a kid and really loved, but didn't find out who did it until years later, when I saw the promo clip on "Night Flight." Ray Davies tells a great story, such as the one at hand about getting his ass kicked by a bunch of poor kids while playing a department store Santa. The song is a super catchy proto-punk rocker, deserving its status as a staple of Xmas playlists. Its intentions are good - reflect upon those who have less than you do - but the delivery is pure piss and gin. I swear, "Weird Al" stole the beginning of this tune for "Don't Wear Those Shoes."
6. The Pogues: "Fairytale of New York" (1987) - I don't understand how this bittersweet Celtic number became a widely accepted Xmas classic. Yet, just as you're bound to hear "Born in the U.S.A." at any fireworks display on July 4th, so this complicated conversation between longtime lovers tends to pop up on a lot of mainstream holiday compilations. It was actually re-released as a UK single last year to raise funds for a group demanding justice for the death of singer Kirsty MacColl, who joins that loveable rotten-toothed drunk Shane MacGowan on vocals here. It's certainly a tearjerker, but not a feel-good one. That's cool with me, as I usually feel like this on Xmas.
7. The Hollytones: "Christmas is Coming Twice This Year" (?) - I don't know anything about The Hollytones, other than the fact that they are on the 1995 Dr. Demento compilation Holidays in Dementia, where they also contribute the less amusing "Gridlock Christmas." From the opening slide whistle to the kids laughing at the end, this tune's mocking tone is great. It's a fine portrait of what selfish little bastards children can be, using guilt or flattery to manipulate their divorced parents into trying to out-gift each other. The music is really sterile and inoffensive, which works well against the cynical lyrics.
8. Run-DMC: "Christmas Is" (1992) - Sure, anyone who's seen "Die Hard" knows Run-DMC's immortal "Christmas in Hollis," which is easily the greatest Christmas hip-hop song ever. But few know this follow-up. "Hollis" first appeared on the charity album A Very Special Christmas, and this one was on the second edition of the series. Nestled right between Michael Bolton and Extreme on a CD that also boasted such talents as Debbie Gibson, Wilson Phillips, Jon Bon Jovi and Paul Young(?!?!?), the album isn't worth shit to me aside from this second and final holiday offering by the trio of Simmons, McDaniels and Mizell. It's no scratch on "Hollis," since Run-DMC's long, painful decline had already set in when they did this, but it's still pretty cool.
9. The Vandals: "Oi to the World!" (1996) - As I assembled this, it occured to me that there are way more good Xmas songs from the punk realm than from metal. Why is that? Metal is generally much more concerned with religion and sentiment. However, punk is generally much more concerned with making fun of stuff, and Xmas is an easy target. It's rare to find a good punk rock Xmas tune that's irreverent but not completely snotty, and the title track sticks out as such on The Vandals' typically goofy Oi to the World! LP. Doubling as a tribute to classic British street punk (from the fake Cockney accent to the oi! chants), it's a nice story about an Indian kid and a skinhead getting into a fight at a punk show, but who eventually bond in the spirit of the season. No Doubt later sucked the joy out of it on A Very Special Christmas 3.
10. Parenthetical Girls: "Last Christmas" (2006) - Thankfully not a Wham! cover, this nugget of seasonal sentiment comes from the third in a series of Xmas EPs self-released in tiny numbers by Seattle indie chamber popsters Parenthetical Girls. They only sell these at shows, and while I was stuck working the night of their recent Chicago appearance, my buddy The Wizard was there and kindly made me a copy of his. (The original is really cool, the cover is handmade out of penmanship paper.) Parenthetical Girls sounds like this all the time, and being big Spector fans, their music naturally translates to the holiday paradigm. The message of this tune is corny, but true: treasure the people you love this season, because you never know who will still be there next year.
11. Macabre: "Holidays of Horror" (1989) - All right, finally! A great metal Xmas song! Macabre is one of the finest outfits in Chicago metal history. Sourpusses don't like them because they see their serial killer fixation as silly gimmickry, or maybe simply because the trio has a sense of humor. This was evidenced in this early number about Ronald Gene Simmons, an Arkansas man who killed 16 people in the days surrounding Christmas 1987, 14 of them family members. "Holidays" is a good example of Macabre's unique fusion of high-octane death/thrash/grindcore, extraordinarily prodigious musicianship and sicko sing-song whimsy. It also provides the name of Macabre's long-running post-Xmas Chicago metal blowout. This year there are two shows: Dec. 29 at the Clearwater Theater and Dec. 30 at The Pearl Room.
12. Meco: "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)" (1980) - One of my fondest childhood holiday memories was hearing this song when a kid in my class brought in "the 'Star Wars' Christmas record" for a grade school holiday party. I only heard it once, but it made such an impression that the chorus stuck in my head all the way until a few years ago, when I discovered that Rhino had issued Christmas in the Stars on CD. I wasn't shocked to discover that Meco Monardo was responsible for the album, as he made a career out of "Star Wars" tie-in music, from the great disco medley of the John Williams score (the first pop song I ever owned) to the Ewok Celebration LP. I was, however, shocked to learn that its production had nothing to do with the infamous holiday special, as well as that my beloved little ditty - sung by droids assembling presents for Rebel Alliance heroes - got to number 69 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Oh, and Jon Bon Jovi is on this album, too; it was his first recording, credited to "John Bongiovi." I recommend the whole platter for those poor souls who still love Lucas or who think holiday music is more fun the more annoying it gets.
13. John Denver and The Muppets: "Twelve Days of Christmas" (1979) - Other than Fozzie tripping up, this is probably the most straightforward cut on this list. Of course, it's from A Christmas Together, the record culled from the TV special wherein clean-cut folkie Denver jingled bells with Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Dave Goelz and all the other *real* Muppet voices. My parents were big John Denver fans, so I heard him a lot growing up, and contrary to what you might think, I don't hate him at all. He wrote some catchy tunes and seemed like a genuinely nice, progressive guy. Denver and Henson are both gone, and the latter's kids have thrown his legacy straight into the trash. You've got to appreciate these fellas' seminal collaboration, especially if you were in the target generation for its initial release. Video available here.
14. Spinal Tap: "Christmas with the Devil" (1992) - I guess this is sort of a heavy metal Xmas song, or at least Spinal Tap's parody of one, and it has everything you'd expect from such a thing. A comeback by a fake band from a mockumentary released eight years prior, Spinal Tap's Break Like the Wind was a novelty from conception, so it's natural that they'd include a holiday number. It's not the best tune on the album (that would be "The Majesty of Rock"), but it's really funny if you imagine the faces Michael McKean is making delivering these lines. Actually, you can see him doing it here. "Silent night/Violent night!" Ha!
15. The Cryptkeeper: "We Wish You'd Bury the Missus" (1995) - Tales from the Crypt: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas is one of my favorite cheap used CD finds ever. First of all, it's a horror-themed holiday album, which is sadly a rare item even at a point in history when about 200 killer Santa Claus movies have been released. If Glen Morgan can remake "Black Christmas," why can't we get more shit like this? Second, in keeping with the whole EC/HBO "Tales" tradition, the disc is loaded with gore-rible puns that in this context constantly steer every cutesy seasonal trope toward morbid mockery. "We Wish..." is perhaps its crowning moment. Although I do skip the awful "Christmas Rap," I try to listen to this album while wrapping presents every year. It really used to piss off my mom, the biggest Xmas lover I've ever known, but she doesn't have to hear it anymore.
16. The Business: "Step Into Christmas" (1981) - Not to piss on The Vandals, but here's an actual U.K. Oi! band, originally from a 7" of Xmas covers called Bollocks to Christmas they shared with The 4 Skins, The Gonads and Splodge. This has since been reissued on CD with a huge batch of other punk holiday tunes, but it comes to you here straight from Harry May - The Singles Collection. I love The Business, they're pretty much the epitome of grizzled, cantankerous, working class, pint guzzling, fish and chips eating, football scuffling British punks. And they're not racists. I saw the geezers last month at Riot Fest, and they still kick arse. Their attitude toward this cover, and thus obviously toward Elton John's original, is hilarious. I don't really have anything against '70s Elton John, but this song annoys the shit out of me, nearly as much as Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime." I'm glad The Business trounced it.
17. Kip Addotta: "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" (1984) - Dr. Demento introduced me to the classics, but he also does his best to feature a lot of contemporary recording comedians. Sadly, these days it seems that the professional comedy record is sort of a dead art. But for every Mitch Hedberg or Dane Cook or Lewis Black, there are a thousand stand-ups doing home recordings. This guy, Rockford-born Kip Addotta, has been releasing albums on his own for many years. His big hit on Dr. D's show, "Wet Dream," had him delivering an undersea detective story with an onslaught of hilarious fish puns ("I could see the anchor in his eyes") over a musical track. His holiday tune is much more perverse... or is it?
18. Jingle Dogs: "Carol of the Bells" (1995) - My buddy Jon used to be obsessed with one CD that blew everybody's mind: Christmas Unleashed by the Jingle Dogs. He used to drive around listening to it all the time. This was a spin-off from the briefly popular Jingle Cats, who had three CDs to the Jingle Dogs' one and make a guest appearance on this interminable two-minute tune. Did you ever have one of those '80s Casios where you could sample yourself saying "fuck" and then giggle endlessly while you played a rude version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"? Same idea here, only a dude named Mike Spalla sampled dog barks and cat meows, then played Xmas songs over a hysterically cheap synth/drum machine combo. The demand for the feline version of this formula was apparently three times bigger than that for the canine. I don't take that as a reflection on all cat lovers, but, man.
19. Kurtis Blow: "Christmas Rappin'" (1979) - Ah, when rap songs were more rap than song. This was legendary New York MC Kurtis Blow's first single, and was not really a holiday song so much as a long string of rhymes that starts with a bunch of stuff about Santa and reindeer. Released mere weeks after the Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight," it has more in common with that tune than contemporary existence, mainly that both tunes are built on the basic tracks of Chic's "Good Times." Hip-hop very quickly became codified and commodified, rigid and studio-beholden, but in its infancy, it was more about human imagination, superhuman skills and never letting the party stop. Sure, "Christmas Rappin'" is simple. Early MCs and DJs created something new from what they already had; it was punk for folks who couldn't afford to maintain guitars. The world should have much more love for pioneers like Kurtis Blow than it affords them. This Xmas, when you're unwrapping the gift card you will use to download that Bow Wow song to your new iPod, take a second to remember the forefathers.
20. Type O Negative: "Red Water (Christmas Mourning)" (1996) - Finally, we come to a serious contender for the finest metal Xmas tune. During the '90s, a dire time for American metal, Brooklyn's Type O Negative was one of the few decent popular atttractions around. Led by former Carnivore beefcake Peter Steele (link probably not safe for work), their unique mix of doom metal, goth rock, hardcore and Beatles-style pop came draped in a velvety cloak, with pitch-black humor occasionally puncturing the flowery melancholy. By the time they released their third LP, October Rust, they weeded out the crankier musical elements and delivered one of the most lush, gorgeous-sounding productions in goth metal history. The disc was contentious, seen at the time as a sell-out. I've always liked Rust, especially the kitschy Drac-Rock-a-Go-Go single "My Girlfriend's Girlfriend." It's one of those metal albums people who think they don't like metal really should hear. This wintry lament, buried in the midst of a very autumnal set of tunes, is from the perspective of someone whose gathering of loved ones grows smaller by the year. Very genuine and sad, yet appropriately thick with seasonal atmosphere and peppered with doomy carol snippets. If you've ever felt as drunk and miserable on Xmas as I have the past few years, you'll agree that the music captures exactly what it feels like.
Part two coming whenever.
posted by SoulReaper at 9:55 AM
1 Comments:
Great list. The Kinks and Freberg songs are absolute gems. I wouldn't have much to add except Arlo Guthrie's "The Pause of Mr. Claus".
"Let's get Santa Claus, 'cause..."
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