Crime of the season
A fresh batch of holiday selections is cooling in the mp3 player. Note: this not ranked. And while you're listening, I suggest catching up on X-Entertainment's 2006 advent calendar, which has been especially thrilling this year. The plot's teeming with kidnapping, family tension and MySpace drama, complete with an active MySpace site for for one the characters - this is why Knacks is number one in my Top 8. Or if you don't want to be entertained, you can read my blather below. Enjoy the solstice, or whatever holiday you celebrate.
1. Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass: "Sleigh Ride" (1968) - Let's start with something smooth. Vintage Herb Alpert always puts me in a positive mood. When he and the TJB get bustling, I feel like I'm on a glamorous overseas holiday, or at least grocery shopping. The Christmas Album isn't their most inspired work, but it was a huge hit, and the tunes without lead vocals are pretty cool. Like a lot of the tracks on the album, "Sleigh Ride" starts with one of those cheesy/breezy Xmas record vocal harmonies, these and the strings contributed by cool jazz arranger Shorty Rogers. The potentially aggravating standard eventually appears as a prime bachelor pad instrumental, the singers floating into the mix to "oooohhhh" here and there. The tempo shifts from ska to marching band to glacial schmaltz and back. Why, I'm not sure.
2. Eazy-E: "Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas (feat. Menajahtwa, Buckwheat, Will 1X and ATBAN Klann)" (1992) - Former gangbanger and drug dealer Eazy-E was not a guy you'd expect to record a jovial rendition of "Joy to the World," having made his legacy on songs about violence, sex, drugs and having violent sex while on drugs. His sole contribution to the seasonal canon comes from his EP 5150: Home 4 tha Sick, released a year after the much-maligned final N.W.A platter, Efil4zaggin. These records only showed how crucial a songwriter Ice Cube was to Eazy's early success, as by this time he was a walking caricature of gangsta hedonism. Sure made for a hilariously juvenile Xmas, tune, though. Yes, that's Rudy Ray Moore himself during the intro, in his eternal role as Dolemite. Perhaps the scariest thing about it is the participation of "Will 1X and ATBAN Klann," now respectively known as will.i.am and The Black Eyed Peas, whose Radio Disney audience probably doesn't know that they were once part of the Ruthless Records roster. Considering their presence and Eazy's rampaging id, this is possibly the most Satanic Xmas song in existence.
3. Twisted Sister: "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" (2006) - These guys are the lightest, most commercial '80s metal band that I still enjoy, and aside from W.A.S.P. or early Guns N' Roses, the only "hair" act I care to remember. This year's A Twisted Christmas is Twisted Sister's first new LP since 1987's Love is for Suckers. It pretty much blows, but this track is somewhat inspired. They set the religious favorite to the tune of their hit "We're Not Gonna Take It," the song that ruled my world in the summer of 1984. It fits perfectly, which is hilarious. It goes on for nearly five minutes, which is not - Dee Snider sings the damn thing over and over and over again. They made a video, which is almost like an old Twisted Sister video, except it's much cheaper. Dee's the only one who bothers to don the make-up again, as the rest of the band goes for the "grizzled rock dude" look. I think the message of the video is: if even a frightmasked Jewish boy like Snider can sing nice things about Christ, why can't we all start shaking around like L.A. strippers this Xmas?
4. Joe Pesci: "If It Doesn't Snow for Christmas" (1998) - Yes, that Joe Pesci. Before he was in "Raging Bull," Pesci had been a child actor, played guitar with Joey Dee and the Starlighters and recorded a record of pop vocal covers under the name Joe Ritchie. He revived his musical endeavors with a truly awful album for Columbia entitled Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You, bringing back his character from "My Cousin Vinny." He even got Marisa Tomei to reprise her Oscar-winning role as his better half on one duet. The embarassing mambo number "Yo Cousin Vinny," justly commemorated by the simpletons at VH1 as some sort of landmark in bad music, was apparently a hit in Europe, and this holiday song was also released as a single. The only humor comes from paisano Pesci dropping f-bombs throughout the cutesy tune - made popular by Gene Autry as "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas" - so I fail to understand why someone imagined it would get any airplay. To be fair, they probably didn't imagine anyone who received a review promo of the album would still own it eight years later. On the other hand, the promotional web site for the record is still active...
5. Ren & Stimpy: "We're Going Shopping" (1993) - I totally missed out on Ren & Stimpy. I didn't have cable during their initial Nickelodeon heyday, and only saw random shows friends had taped until I got to college and caught reruns amid a lot of newer, weaker episodes. As a result, I don't have the same nostalgic love for them that have for characters from shows I've seen roll out week by week. But I do enjoy "The Ren & Stimpy Show," even those newer, weaker ones, because it was so obstinately weird and gross. This selection is from their Crock O' Christmas LP, a suitably bizarre tribute to Jesus' birthday, as well as to Stimpy's beloved Yaksmas. "Shopping" is one of the less show-specific tunes on the disc, wherein Stimpy assures Ren that their trip to the mall will only take "ten minutes." I could really do without Xmas shopping. The whole process is arduous - it's cold, the stores are swamped, you always walk out feeling like you bought something stupid. Most people I buy for get gift cards so I'm not wasting my dough on something they won't use. So, I'm with Ren on this one.
6. Spike Jones and His City Slickers: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" (1948) - Another classic, this late hit for bandleader Spike Jones made it all the way to number one. It's pretty tame by the man's usual standard, although the little "Jingle Bells" section in the middle offers a glimpse of Jones' wacky world. Whistling, banjo, kazoo, handclaps, bells, sneezes and other sound effects are integrated with a normal big band for what at the time amounted to pure audio anarchy. Jones was mostly famous for giving this treatment to popular hits, which would start off sounding normal but soon turn into a carefully orchestrated cacophany of slide whistles, bugles, gunshots and assorted metal things turned into percussion instruments. He wasn't a bona fide parodist like "Weird Al," but he paved the way with his subversive deconstructions. Spike did a lot of holiday tunes, some of which can be heard here. This one always reminds me of my dad's dad. I remember him singing it to me when I was little.
7. The Dickies: "Silent Night" (1978) - If a punk rock Xmas tune is not going to be snide, then it should at least tear ass. Enter The Dickies, those cartoony loonies who somehow landed a major label deal before any other punk band from L.A. Their sugar buzz take on the religious hymn came out before their first album, and is an omen that the band would come to be known for zippy covers and novelty songs. They went on to thrash the likes of "Nights in White Satin," "Eve of Destruction," "The Sound of Silence," "Paranoid," "Communication Breakdown" and the theme songs from "Gigantor" and "The Banana Splits" - the last of these was a top ten hit in the UK. The Dickies don't really make fun of "Silent Night," but they're not exactly reverent, either. These guys rule, and they don't get anywhere near the props they deserve. This Xmas, if you're shopping for a kid who likes poppy punk but is stuck spinning what the radio offers, I strongly recommend the disc from which I ripped this, Great Dictations: The Definitive Dickies Collection. Trivia: I once bummed a smoke to Dickies singer Leonard Graves Phillips after a Halloween show they played with GWAR.
8. Greg Lake: "Humbug" (1974) - Here's one for the prog haters. It was the b-side to a solo single by guitarist/vocalist Greg Lake, the man who put the L in ELP after leaving King Crimson. The a-side, "I Believe in Father Christmas," later showed up in another version on Emerson, Lake and Palmer's sketchy Works, Vol. 2, and both versions of the song are on the Rhino compilation EP from which I snagged "Humbug." That a-side, a celestial repudiation of Christianity, would make religious folks' hair stand on end if they paid attention to the lyrics, yet it's another odd one that's somehow entered the popular Yuletide lexicon. "Humbug," by contrast, is a benign and whimsical ditty, and you're not likely to hear it anywhere else this year unless you own it. I generally prefer ELP's epic light show workouts over their "fun" tunes, but this one's nice.
9. Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio: "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear" (1993) - Seattle's Bob Rivers is one of those wacky morning jocks who records a lot of parody songs. Normally, that would signal sheer sonic terror, but holiday music has a way of leveling the playing field. Rivers is a pro and his Xmas records are plentiful, with many selections now annual staples of Dr. Demento's holiday broadcasts. This ode to surreptitious cross-dressing hails from the album I Am Santa Claus, which also features an amusing title track (Sabbath's "Iron Man" hijacked to extol the Jolly Old Elf, complete with the robot voice). I think the cheery singers are what make "Underwear" for me. Their vanilla mirth makes the subject sound much more deviant.
10. The Flaming Lips: "White Christmas (Demo for Tom Waits)" (2000) - From a charity album put out by British tastemakers XFM and Jeepster Records, Oklahoma's major label indie rock superstars offer this woozy take on Irving Berlin's perennial. Even though its composer was conflicted about the season, "White Christmas" is one of the holiday's most sacred non-religious tunes. Just about anyone who's recorded it treats it like "The Star Spangled Banner." The Lips exude their signature pie-eyed wonder on this track, which keeps with that tradition. However, they also manage to sound completely whacked out of their gourds, with Wayne Coyne's vocals especially ready to collapse at any moment. I have no idea what the "(Demo for Tom Waits)" part means, but if they intended Waits to roar over this somewhat creepy psychedelic track, I wanna hear the results.
11. Fear: "Fuck Christmas" (1982) - Not ones for sentimentality, the beer-swilling bruisers of Fear cut this blitzkrieg single the same year as their debut album, The Record. I don't really like Fear's stance on a lot of things, and although their "politically incorrect" sense of humor was calculated to get a rise out of people, Fear became major source of inspiration for, um, far right-wing punk, the kind for people who mostly like to get drunk and beat people up. However, when they weren't spewing cartoon hate at women or homosexuals, they could be pretty funny. "Fuck Christmas" starts as a sappy slow tune before exploding into a classic hardcore blast; it's a one-joke pisser that amply conveys its petulant message in under a minute. You can watch them playing it here, followed by an early version of the song "Surgery" with its original lyrics about Josef Mengele... "Angel of Death," it's not.
12. South Park: "Christmas Time in Hell" (1999) - Before "South Park" came on, I was eagerly awaiting a TV show from the guys who made "Cannibal! The Musical." By the time the first Xmas special aired, I was sick of it, and I stayed that way for a while. If it wasn't the endless Eric Cartman impressions everyone was attempting (you still hear 'em today), it was the merchandising overkill, an endless stream of "Respect My Authoritah!" t-shirts and posters and plush dolls and bumper stickers and coffee mugs. But a couple of years later, I saw a really funny episode at a friend's house, and I started watching it again, finally able to enjoy the show apart from the extraneous crap. It still manages brilliance every few episodes, particularly in its musical numbers. Season 3's holiday episode came with a tie-in CD of the same name, Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics, which is where this jaunty show tune originated. Satan (Trey Parker) serenades the denizens of Hell, who include Mao Tse-Tung, Princess Diana and Michael Landon. When he surprises a morose Hitler with a Tannenbaum, it's heartwarming holiday magic.
13. Ramones: "Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight) (UK single version)" (1989) - Dee Dee's last recording as a proper Ramone was the Brain Drain album, which is more famous for housing the theme song from "Pet Sematary." Some of the '80s Ramones records are kind of bland, but Brain Drain is not the nadir. One of its definite highlights comes at the end, in Joey's lovably lunkheaded plea for temporary peace on the homefront in honor of the holiday. Fifteen years later, three of the guys who played on it are no longer with us, making the song especially poignant now. I found this extended version, which includes an appropriate sleigh bell intro, on the Rhino comp Punk Rock Xmas, where several of our other selections are also housed (notables here I didn't include are The Damned, Pansy Division, El Vez and Stiff Little Fingers). This one goes out to Marky Ramone: merry Xmas, and please tell Jerry Only to get his shit together.
14. Quo Vadis: "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" (2000) - There aren't a lot of metal Xmas songs, and if you want prog metal Xmas songs, you pretty much have to make due with the famous Savatage side project, which is too housewifey to satisfy me. But here are underrated undergrounders Quo Vadis, who come from the quintessentially Canadian lineage of tricky/aggressive metal that gave us Voivod, Gorguts, Obliveon, Kataklysm, Cryptopsy, Martyr, Despised Icon, etc. They did their freaky cover of the John Lennon holiday favorite for a compilation entitled Noël dans la Rue Vol. 3, but the band posted it on mp3.com back when it was more like PureVolume.com, and that's how I have it. Like Nevermore, Quo Vadis seems determined to overhaul a song when they cover it, making it sound more like one of their own than a copy of the original. Though the results aren't necessarily an improvement here, I respect that approach.
15. KITT the Amazing Car of Tomorrow: "A Knight Rider Christmas" (?) - Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I downloaded this mp3 somewhere, and I did not pay for it. I think I found it back in the halcyon days of Napster. Furthermore, I can find no information on it other than references to this same mp3 on blogs and whatnot. It's credited to "KITT the Amazing Car of Tomorrow," and I couldn't begin to speculate on who that actually is, but I can imagine why they wouldn't want their identity known. This is a funny idea not executed very well. I imagine it was done around the time of the show's initial run, since if it were more recent it would probably be much campier. Whatever, KITT was awesome, and you should know that something like this exists.
16. Tom Lehrer: "A Christmas Carol" (1959) - In another Dr. Demento staple, bespectacled mathemetician Tom Lehrer takes Xmas to task for the same money-sucking mercenariness that Stan Freberg lampooned a year earlier. This comes from the live album An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer, where you can also find such arch Tin Pan Alley-style ditties as "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" and "The Masochism Tango." The live Harvard audience can be heard giggling at the beginning, as if Lehrer's piano playing is funny to them. They're just reacting to his intro, where he suggests that none of the carols he ever hears deals with the true spirit of the season, "the commercial spirit." An eternal cynic, Lehrer even takes a swipe at Santa's reindeer on the way out. Tom's my kind of guy.
17. They Might Be Giants: "O Tannenbaum" (1993) - My favorite non-metal band is no stranger to the seasonal song. If you don't count "Santa's Beard" (I'm not sure if I do), their version of "O Tannenbaum" was the first. It was on a colored vinyl 7" with a song called "Christmas Cards," and later appeared on the They Might Be Giants in Holidayland EP. This late-night jazz vibe rendition was recorded during a soundcheck, adorned with clarinet, saxophone, brushed drums and a boozy, lethargic pace. John Linnell, my preferred John, takes lead vocal here, lending his distinctive nasal charm to the traditional German carol. "O Tannenbaum" was the product of a simpler time, before TMBG became impossible to keep track of with all the subscription downloads and TV themes and specialty kids' releases and Cartoon Network promotions and Dunkin' Donuts commercials and whatnot. I love those guys, and I'm glad to see them dominating multiple media, but it's gotten crazy.
18. The Nightmare Before Christmas: "Making Christmas" (1993) - From the same year as our previous selection hails Halloweentown's holiday hijacking hymn. If for some ungodly reason you have never seen "The Nightmare Before Christmas," or have not seen it in a long time, this song comes after Jack Skellington, the big scaremeister of the place where Halloween lives, decides to cure his ennui by taking over Xmas. Jack makes a poor decision, but he's not an outright jerk; when he stumbles into Christmastown and is enchanted by its cheery otherness, he wants so badly to be a part of it that he simply fails to consider the repercussions. He gets the whole village of vampires, werewolves, zombies and whatnot to build Xmas presents, which of course end up scary and/or gross. The movie's juxtaposition of jolly and dreadful is why it appeals to older audiences, and why it endures with audiences who loved it as kids. I wish I hadn't been in college when it came out. "Nightmare," like all of Tim Burton's best films, manages to be both satirical and sentimental, macabre and cheery, child-like and world-weary. A sequel could never be as magical, although I would love to see how the other holiday towns look.
19. King Diamond: "No Presents for Christmas" (1985) - The best Eurometal Xmas tune of the '80s, and that's counting the X-Mas Project. For the uninitiated, the tiny, painted Dane on the mic made his reputation delivering an arsenal of theatrical grunts and falsetto wails in what is widely acknowledged as the first serious Satanic metal band who were any good. This single was the first solo recording King released after Mercyful Fate split, and features his former band's guitarist Michael Denner and bassist Timi Hansen. It also introduced Mikkey Dee, who went on to record the drums for Helloween's Rabbit Don't Come Easy and currently beats the skins for Motörhead. As is dictated by Fate/King style, the tune rockets around several musical themes, but it's uniquely silly and light-hearted among the dude's catalog of coven calls and gothic horror tales. I suppose that's just the sound of a Church of Satan guy mocking a holy day, gleeful that the "presents" in the title can be interpreted as a homonym.
20. "Weird Al" Yankovic: "Christmas at Ground Zero" (1986) - Of everyone pulled from the airwaves after that time those dudes crashed those planes (I forget the date), Alfred Yankovic was an unlikely candidate. But something most of Al's haters don't realize is that he's got a dark side, and he doesn't only do parodies. His other Xmas tune, "The Night Santa Went Crazy," is pure violence, whereas this one is so sarcastic and morbid you might mistake its lyrics for a Jello Biafra composition. I will never get sick of "Christmas at Ground Zero." For me, it's as integral to the season as egg nog and heartache. It comes from Polka Party!, Al's fourth LP, which for some unknown reason was his worst seller. I think PP! might actually be my favorite "Weird Al" album, although his entire '80s run was flawless. The video for "Ground Zero" was Al's directorial debut, consisting entirely of stock footage except for a final shot of himself with some gas-masked carolers. The Reagan clip is perfect.
1. Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass: "Sleigh Ride" (1968) - Let's start with something smooth. Vintage Herb Alpert always puts me in a positive mood. When he and the TJB get bustling, I feel like I'm on a glamorous overseas holiday, or at least grocery shopping. The Christmas Album isn't their most inspired work, but it was a huge hit, and the tunes without lead vocals are pretty cool. Like a lot of the tracks on the album, "Sleigh Ride" starts with one of those cheesy/breezy Xmas record vocal harmonies, these and the strings contributed by cool jazz arranger Shorty Rogers. The potentially aggravating standard eventually appears as a prime bachelor pad instrumental, the singers floating into the mix to "oooohhhh" here and there. The tempo shifts from ska to marching band to glacial schmaltz and back. Why, I'm not sure.
2. Eazy-E: "Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas (feat. Menajahtwa, Buckwheat, Will 1X and ATBAN Klann)" (1992) - Former gangbanger and drug dealer Eazy-E was not a guy you'd expect to record a jovial rendition of "Joy to the World," having made his legacy on songs about violence, sex, drugs and having violent sex while on drugs. His sole contribution to the seasonal canon comes from his EP 5150: Home 4 tha Sick, released a year after the much-maligned final N.W.A platter, Efil4zaggin. These records only showed how crucial a songwriter Ice Cube was to Eazy's early success, as by this time he was a walking caricature of gangsta hedonism. Sure made for a hilariously juvenile Xmas, tune, though. Yes, that's Rudy Ray Moore himself during the intro, in his eternal role as Dolemite. Perhaps the scariest thing about it is the participation of "Will 1X and ATBAN Klann," now respectively known as will.i.am and The Black Eyed Peas, whose Radio Disney audience probably doesn't know that they were once part of the Ruthless Records roster. Considering their presence and Eazy's rampaging id, this is possibly the most Satanic Xmas song in existence.
3. Twisted Sister: "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" (2006) - These guys are the lightest, most commercial '80s metal band that I still enjoy, and aside from W.A.S.P. or early Guns N' Roses, the only "hair" act I care to remember. This year's A Twisted Christmas is Twisted Sister's first new LP since 1987's Love is for Suckers. It pretty much blows, but this track is somewhat inspired. They set the religious favorite to the tune of their hit "We're Not Gonna Take It," the song that ruled my world in the summer of 1984. It fits perfectly, which is hilarious. It goes on for nearly five minutes, which is not - Dee Snider sings the damn thing over and over and over again. They made a video, which is almost like an old Twisted Sister video, except it's much cheaper. Dee's the only one who bothers to don the make-up again, as the rest of the band goes for the "grizzled rock dude" look. I think the message of the video is: if even a frightmasked Jewish boy like Snider can sing nice things about Christ, why can't we all start shaking around like L.A. strippers this Xmas?
4. Joe Pesci: "If It Doesn't Snow for Christmas" (1998) - Yes, that Joe Pesci. Before he was in "Raging Bull," Pesci had been a child actor, played guitar with Joey Dee and the Starlighters and recorded a record of pop vocal covers under the name Joe Ritchie. He revived his musical endeavors with a truly awful album for Columbia entitled Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You, bringing back his character from "My Cousin Vinny." He even got Marisa Tomei to reprise her Oscar-winning role as his better half on one duet. The embarassing mambo number "Yo Cousin Vinny," justly commemorated by the simpletons at VH1 as some sort of landmark in bad music, was apparently a hit in Europe, and this holiday song was also released as a single. The only humor comes from paisano Pesci dropping f-bombs throughout the cutesy tune - made popular by Gene Autry as "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas" - so I fail to understand why someone imagined it would get any airplay. To be fair, they probably didn't imagine anyone who received a review promo of the album would still own it eight years later. On the other hand, the promotional web site for the record is still active...
5. Ren & Stimpy: "We're Going Shopping" (1993) - I totally missed out on Ren & Stimpy. I didn't have cable during their initial Nickelodeon heyday, and only saw random shows friends had taped until I got to college and caught reruns amid a lot of newer, weaker episodes. As a result, I don't have the same nostalgic love for them that have for characters from shows I've seen roll out week by week. But I do enjoy "The Ren & Stimpy Show," even those newer, weaker ones, because it was so obstinately weird and gross. This selection is from their Crock O' Christmas LP, a suitably bizarre tribute to Jesus' birthday, as well as to Stimpy's beloved Yaksmas. "Shopping" is one of the less show-specific tunes on the disc, wherein Stimpy assures Ren that their trip to the mall will only take "ten minutes." I could really do without Xmas shopping. The whole process is arduous - it's cold, the stores are swamped, you always walk out feeling like you bought something stupid. Most people I buy for get gift cards so I'm not wasting my dough on something they won't use. So, I'm with Ren on this one.
6. Spike Jones and His City Slickers: "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" (1948) - Another classic, this late hit for bandleader Spike Jones made it all the way to number one. It's pretty tame by the man's usual standard, although the little "Jingle Bells" section in the middle offers a glimpse of Jones' wacky world. Whistling, banjo, kazoo, handclaps, bells, sneezes and other sound effects are integrated with a normal big band for what at the time amounted to pure audio anarchy. Jones was mostly famous for giving this treatment to popular hits, which would start off sounding normal but soon turn into a carefully orchestrated cacophany of slide whistles, bugles, gunshots and assorted metal things turned into percussion instruments. He wasn't a bona fide parodist like "Weird Al," but he paved the way with his subversive deconstructions. Spike did a lot of holiday tunes, some of which can be heard here. This one always reminds me of my dad's dad. I remember him singing it to me when I was little.
7. The Dickies: "Silent Night" (1978) - If a punk rock Xmas tune is not going to be snide, then it should at least tear ass. Enter The Dickies, those cartoony loonies who somehow landed a major label deal before any other punk band from L.A. Their sugar buzz take on the religious hymn came out before their first album, and is an omen that the band would come to be known for zippy covers and novelty songs. They went on to thrash the likes of "Nights in White Satin," "Eve of Destruction," "The Sound of Silence," "Paranoid," "Communication Breakdown" and the theme songs from "Gigantor" and "The Banana Splits" - the last of these was a top ten hit in the UK. The Dickies don't really make fun of "Silent Night," but they're not exactly reverent, either. These guys rule, and they don't get anywhere near the props they deserve. This Xmas, if you're shopping for a kid who likes poppy punk but is stuck spinning what the radio offers, I strongly recommend the disc from which I ripped this, Great Dictations: The Definitive Dickies Collection. Trivia: I once bummed a smoke to Dickies singer Leonard Graves Phillips after a Halloween show they played with GWAR.
8. Greg Lake: "Humbug" (1974) - Here's one for the prog haters. It was the b-side to a solo single by guitarist/vocalist Greg Lake, the man who put the L in ELP after leaving King Crimson. The a-side, "I Believe in Father Christmas," later showed up in another version on Emerson, Lake and Palmer's sketchy Works, Vol. 2, and both versions of the song are on the Rhino compilation EP from which I snagged "Humbug." That a-side, a celestial repudiation of Christianity, would make religious folks' hair stand on end if they paid attention to the lyrics, yet it's another odd one that's somehow entered the popular Yuletide lexicon. "Humbug," by contrast, is a benign and whimsical ditty, and you're not likely to hear it anywhere else this year unless you own it. I generally prefer ELP's epic light show workouts over their "fun" tunes, but this one's nice.
9. Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio: "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear" (1993) - Seattle's Bob Rivers is one of those wacky morning jocks who records a lot of parody songs. Normally, that would signal sheer sonic terror, but holiday music has a way of leveling the playing field. Rivers is a pro and his Xmas records are plentiful, with many selections now annual staples of Dr. Demento's holiday broadcasts. This ode to surreptitious cross-dressing hails from the album I Am Santa Claus, which also features an amusing title track (Sabbath's "Iron Man" hijacked to extol the Jolly Old Elf, complete with the robot voice). I think the cheery singers are what make "Underwear" for me. Their vanilla mirth makes the subject sound much more deviant.
10. The Flaming Lips: "White Christmas (Demo for Tom Waits)" (2000) - From a charity album put out by British tastemakers XFM and Jeepster Records, Oklahoma's major label indie rock superstars offer this woozy take on Irving Berlin's perennial. Even though its composer was conflicted about the season, "White Christmas" is one of the holiday's most sacred non-religious tunes. Just about anyone who's recorded it treats it like "The Star Spangled Banner." The Lips exude their signature pie-eyed wonder on this track, which keeps with that tradition. However, they also manage to sound completely whacked out of their gourds, with Wayne Coyne's vocals especially ready to collapse at any moment. I have no idea what the "(Demo for Tom Waits)" part means, but if they intended Waits to roar over this somewhat creepy psychedelic track, I wanna hear the results.
11. Fear: "Fuck Christmas" (1982) - Not ones for sentimentality, the beer-swilling bruisers of Fear cut this blitzkrieg single the same year as their debut album, The Record. I don't really like Fear's stance on a lot of things, and although their "politically incorrect" sense of humor was calculated to get a rise out of people, Fear became major source of inspiration for, um, far right-wing punk, the kind for people who mostly like to get drunk and beat people up. However, when they weren't spewing cartoon hate at women or homosexuals, they could be pretty funny. "Fuck Christmas" starts as a sappy slow tune before exploding into a classic hardcore blast; it's a one-joke pisser that amply conveys its petulant message in under a minute. You can watch them playing it here, followed by an early version of the song "Surgery" with its original lyrics about Josef Mengele... "Angel of Death," it's not.
12. South Park: "Christmas Time in Hell" (1999) - Before "South Park" came on, I was eagerly awaiting a TV show from the guys who made "Cannibal! The Musical." By the time the first Xmas special aired, I was sick of it, and I stayed that way for a while. If it wasn't the endless Eric Cartman impressions everyone was attempting (you still hear 'em today), it was the merchandising overkill, an endless stream of "Respect My Authoritah!" t-shirts and posters and plush dolls and bumper stickers and coffee mugs. But a couple of years later, I saw a really funny episode at a friend's house, and I started watching it again, finally able to enjoy the show apart from the extraneous crap. It still manages brilliance every few episodes, particularly in its musical numbers. Season 3's holiday episode came with a tie-in CD of the same name, Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics, which is where this jaunty show tune originated. Satan (Trey Parker) serenades the denizens of Hell, who include Mao Tse-Tung, Princess Diana and Michael Landon. When he surprises a morose Hitler with a Tannenbaum, it's heartwarming holiday magic.
13. Ramones: "Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight) (UK single version)" (1989) - Dee Dee's last recording as a proper Ramone was the Brain Drain album, which is more famous for housing the theme song from "Pet Sematary." Some of the '80s Ramones records are kind of bland, but Brain Drain is not the nadir. One of its definite highlights comes at the end, in Joey's lovably lunkheaded plea for temporary peace on the homefront in honor of the holiday. Fifteen years later, three of the guys who played on it are no longer with us, making the song especially poignant now. I found this extended version, which includes an appropriate sleigh bell intro, on the Rhino comp Punk Rock Xmas, where several of our other selections are also housed (notables here I didn't include are The Damned, Pansy Division, El Vez and Stiff Little Fingers). This one goes out to Marky Ramone: merry Xmas, and please tell Jerry Only to get his shit together.
14. Quo Vadis: "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" (2000) - There aren't a lot of metal Xmas songs, and if you want prog metal Xmas songs, you pretty much have to make due with the famous Savatage side project, which is too housewifey to satisfy me. But here are underrated undergrounders Quo Vadis, who come from the quintessentially Canadian lineage of tricky/aggressive metal that gave us Voivod, Gorguts, Obliveon, Kataklysm, Cryptopsy, Martyr, Despised Icon, etc. They did their freaky cover of the John Lennon holiday favorite for a compilation entitled Noël dans la Rue Vol. 3, but the band posted it on mp3.com back when it was more like PureVolume.com, and that's how I have it. Like Nevermore, Quo Vadis seems determined to overhaul a song when they cover it, making it sound more like one of their own than a copy of the original. Though the results aren't necessarily an improvement here, I respect that approach.
15. KITT the Amazing Car of Tomorrow: "A Knight Rider Christmas" (?) - Okay, I'm not gonna lie. I downloaded this mp3 somewhere, and I did not pay for it. I think I found it back in the halcyon days of Napster. Furthermore, I can find no information on it other than references to this same mp3 on blogs and whatnot. It's credited to "KITT the Amazing Car of Tomorrow," and I couldn't begin to speculate on who that actually is, but I can imagine why they wouldn't want their identity known. This is a funny idea not executed very well. I imagine it was done around the time of the show's initial run, since if it were more recent it would probably be much campier. Whatever, KITT was awesome, and you should know that something like this exists.
16. Tom Lehrer: "A Christmas Carol" (1959) - In another Dr. Demento staple, bespectacled mathemetician Tom Lehrer takes Xmas to task for the same money-sucking mercenariness that Stan Freberg lampooned a year earlier. This comes from the live album An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer, where you can also find such arch Tin Pan Alley-style ditties as "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" and "The Masochism Tango." The live Harvard audience can be heard giggling at the beginning, as if Lehrer's piano playing is funny to them. They're just reacting to his intro, where he suggests that none of the carols he ever hears deals with the true spirit of the season, "the commercial spirit." An eternal cynic, Lehrer even takes a swipe at Santa's reindeer on the way out. Tom's my kind of guy.
17. They Might Be Giants: "O Tannenbaum" (1993) - My favorite non-metal band is no stranger to the seasonal song. If you don't count "Santa's Beard" (I'm not sure if I do), their version of "O Tannenbaum" was the first. It was on a colored vinyl 7" with a song called "Christmas Cards," and later appeared on the They Might Be Giants in Holidayland EP. This late-night jazz vibe rendition was recorded during a soundcheck, adorned with clarinet, saxophone, brushed drums and a boozy, lethargic pace. John Linnell, my preferred John, takes lead vocal here, lending his distinctive nasal charm to the traditional German carol. "O Tannenbaum" was the product of a simpler time, before TMBG became impossible to keep track of with all the subscription downloads and TV themes and specialty kids' releases and Cartoon Network promotions and Dunkin' Donuts commercials and whatnot. I love those guys, and I'm glad to see them dominating multiple media, but it's gotten crazy.
18. The Nightmare Before Christmas: "Making Christmas" (1993) - From the same year as our previous selection hails Halloweentown's holiday hijacking hymn. If for some ungodly reason you have never seen "The Nightmare Before Christmas," or have not seen it in a long time, this song comes after Jack Skellington, the big scaremeister of the place where Halloween lives, decides to cure his ennui by taking over Xmas. Jack makes a poor decision, but he's not an outright jerk; when he stumbles into Christmastown and is enchanted by its cheery otherness, he wants so badly to be a part of it that he simply fails to consider the repercussions. He gets the whole village of vampires, werewolves, zombies and whatnot to build Xmas presents, which of course end up scary and/or gross. The movie's juxtaposition of jolly and dreadful is why it appeals to older audiences, and why it endures with audiences who loved it as kids. I wish I hadn't been in college when it came out. "Nightmare," like all of Tim Burton's best films, manages to be both satirical and sentimental, macabre and cheery, child-like and world-weary. A sequel could never be as magical, although I would love to see how the other holiday towns look.
19. King Diamond: "No Presents for Christmas" (1985) - The best Eurometal Xmas tune of the '80s, and that's counting the X-Mas Project. For the uninitiated, the tiny, painted Dane on the mic made his reputation delivering an arsenal of theatrical grunts and falsetto wails in what is widely acknowledged as the first serious Satanic metal band who were any good. This single was the first solo recording King released after Mercyful Fate split, and features his former band's guitarist Michael Denner and bassist Timi Hansen. It also introduced Mikkey Dee, who went on to record the drums for Helloween's Rabbit Don't Come Easy and currently beats the skins for Motörhead. As is dictated by Fate/King style, the tune rockets around several musical themes, but it's uniquely silly and light-hearted among the dude's catalog of coven calls and gothic horror tales. I suppose that's just the sound of a Church of Satan guy mocking a holy day, gleeful that the "presents" in the title can be interpreted as a homonym.
20. "Weird Al" Yankovic: "Christmas at Ground Zero" (1986) - Of everyone pulled from the airwaves after that time those dudes crashed those planes (I forget the date), Alfred Yankovic was an unlikely candidate. But something most of Al's haters don't realize is that he's got a dark side, and he doesn't only do parodies. His other Xmas tune, "The Night Santa Went Crazy," is pure violence, whereas this one is so sarcastic and morbid you might mistake its lyrics for a Jello Biafra composition. I will never get sick of "Christmas at Ground Zero." For me, it's as integral to the season as egg nog and heartache. It comes from Polka Party!, Al's fourth LP, which for some unknown reason was his worst seller. I think PP! might actually be my favorite "Weird Al" album, although his entire '80s run was flawless. The video for "Ground Zero" was Al's directorial debut, consisting entirely of stock footage except for a final shot of himself with some gas-masked carolers. The Reagan clip is perfect.
posted by SoulReaper at 10:04 AM
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