I watch movies.
A quick rundown of cinematic gems viewed recently, between "Six Feet Under" binges:
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory": Not too shabby. It's pretty Burtony, so I can't really complain about much except for the ending. Charlie's grandstanding pro-family speech was a little forced, and although it's in the book, I don't like that they showed you all the other kids leaving the factory. That's something the old movie did right - by leaving out the "they're okay" segment, you get the impression Wonka's lying or otherwise doesn't give a fuck what happens to the brats. That's funnier to me. The Elfman/Bartek Oompa Loompa numbers are pretty cool, except for the Violet Beauregard one which for some reason I found annoying. Depp seemed really over the top to me at first, but he's very good at conveying the character. Great casting, everything's beautiful, but ultimately it's a lightweight scrap to tide us over until "The Corpse Bride."
"Howl's Moving Castle" (aka Hauru No Ugoku Shiro): Hayao Miyazaki's work is nothing like most of the anime that gets popular in America, and that's a big plus considering how many slo-mo battle dramas and naughty tentacle sagas are out there. Like all of his movies (that I've seen, anyway), this is meticulously gorgeous, intelligent and morally complex. I found myself feeling greater patience and compassion for the elderly immediately after viewing it. "Howl" is not as impressive as "Princess Mononoke" or "Spirited Away," but it's an entirely worthy family film - meaning it doesn't talk down to kids or up to adults, instead just telling a story that all ages can enjoy without reservation.
"The Devil's Rejects": As a singer, Rob Zombie's a hell of a director. I liked this and the sorta-prequel "House of 1,000 Corpses" not because they're great horror flicks, but because Rob seems to like the same sort of things I do and tries to throw as many of them as possible into his movies. It's a trait he shares with Tarantino, but Quentin obviously does a lot more with the base material. Like "Corpses," this one's very inspired by "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," but it's closer to that classic's dry, bleak aesthetic than Zombie's psycho-delic debut was. The story more closely resembles "Chainsaw 2." He also takes a lot of, um, inspiration from grimy, sadistic '70s flicks like "The House at the Edge of the Park" and "Last House on Dead End Street." And talk about an all-star cult cast: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, William Forsythe, Ken Foree, Geoffrey Lewis, Danny Trejo, Brian Posehn, Tom Towles, Michael Berryman, Mary Woronov and goddamned P.J. Soles! (Yes, Local H, that's what happened to her.)
"Karate Kids USA" (aka "The Little Dragons"): Now that I see the alternate title, I think I saw this as a kid, possibly on cable. It's a cheap kung fu movie for American children from the early '80s, a magical time in cinema when you could show people smoking a joint and a little kid saying "shit" twice but still snag the picture a PG rating. This was the same era that brought us the swearing dog in '"C.H.O.M.P.S." and Charles Martin Smith's genitals in "Never Cry Wolf." The "karate" on display is a joke, but "Karate Kids USA" does feature a hootenanny at a weird campground, creepy child romance and the directorial chops of one Curtis Hanson, he of "8 Mile" and "L.A. Confidential" fame. I wouldn't suggest this to anyone over the age of 9, but with all the "language" and "danger" on display here few parents would agree with me. Right there's a good reason why I should never spawn.
"Ninja: The Protector": This one came at the end of the day, after the previous two and several drinks, and my brain had turned to mush. Perfect mindset for the saga of an old white guy with a mustache who turns into a camouflage-patterned ninja at appropriate times and gets in a lot of sword fights. I was unfamiliar with Richard Harrison before checking the IMDB, but the the old white guy was apparently in a lot of Italian flicks during the "golden years," meaning many spaghetti westerns and sword n' sandal flicks. His turn here as Gordon Anderson was apparently so well-loved that he made at least ten other pictures as the character. I mean, why wouldn't he? Like I said, I was pretty zipped by the end of this thing, so I don't remember much of it. I will never forget the ending, where Gordon beats the big bad guy in a fight, the bad guy concedes, Gordon says "I am the Ninja Champion!" and just walks away. Doesn't kill him or anything. Just "The End." Woot!
Now in stores: Nevermore's "This Godless Endeavor." Go buy it right now. Nevermore is the best metal band in America right now and this is one of the most satisfying records I've heard all year. I hope this promotional cycle will grant them the recognition they've long deserved. This is just the single: "Final Product".
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory": Not too shabby. It's pretty Burtony, so I can't really complain about much except for the ending. Charlie's grandstanding pro-family speech was a little forced, and although it's in the book, I don't like that they showed you all the other kids leaving the factory. That's something the old movie did right - by leaving out the "they're okay" segment, you get the impression Wonka's lying or otherwise doesn't give a fuck what happens to the brats. That's funnier to me. The Elfman/Bartek Oompa Loompa numbers are pretty cool, except for the Violet Beauregard one which for some reason I found annoying. Depp seemed really over the top to me at first, but he's very good at conveying the character. Great casting, everything's beautiful, but ultimately it's a lightweight scrap to tide us over until "The Corpse Bride."
"Howl's Moving Castle" (aka Hauru No Ugoku Shiro): Hayao Miyazaki's work is nothing like most of the anime that gets popular in America, and that's a big plus considering how many slo-mo battle dramas and naughty tentacle sagas are out there. Like all of his movies (that I've seen, anyway), this is meticulously gorgeous, intelligent and morally complex. I found myself feeling greater patience and compassion for the elderly immediately after viewing it. "Howl" is not as impressive as "Princess Mononoke" or "Spirited Away," but it's an entirely worthy family film - meaning it doesn't talk down to kids or up to adults, instead just telling a story that all ages can enjoy without reservation.
"The Devil's Rejects": As a singer, Rob Zombie's a hell of a director. I liked this and the sorta-prequel "House of 1,000 Corpses" not because they're great horror flicks, but because Rob seems to like the same sort of things I do and tries to throw as many of them as possible into his movies. It's a trait he shares with Tarantino, but Quentin obviously does a lot more with the base material. Like "Corpses," this one's very inspired by "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," but it's closer to that classic's dry, bleak aesthetic than Zombie's psycho-delic debut was. The story more closely resembles "Chainsaw 2." He also takes a lot of, um, inspiration from grimy, sadistic '70s flicks like "The House at the Edge of the Park" and "Last House on Dead End Street." And talk about an all-star cult cast: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, William Forsythe, Ken Foree, Geoffrey Lewis, Danny Trejo, Brian Posehn, Tom Towles, Michael Berryman, Mary Woronov and goddamned P.J. Soles! (Yes, Local H, that's what happened to her.)
"Karate Kids USA" (aka "The Little Dragons"): Now that I see the alternate title, I think I saw this as a kid, possibly on cable. It's a cheap kung fu movie for American children from the early '80s, a magical time in cinema when you could show people smoking a joint and a little kid saying "shit" twice but still snag the picture a PG rating. This was the same era that brought us the swearing dog in '"C.H.O.M.P.S." and Charles Martin Smith's genitals in "Never Cry Wolf." The "karate" on display is a joke, but "Karate Kids USA" does feature a hootenanny at a weird campground, creepy child romance and the directorial chops of one Curtis Hanson, he of "8 Mile" and "L.A. Confidential" fame. I wouldn't suggest this to anyone over the age of 9, but with all the "language" and "danger" on display here few parents would agree with me. Right there's a good reason why I should never spawn.
"Ninja: The Protector": This one came at the end of the day, after the previous two and several drinks, and my brain had turned to mush. Perfect mindset for the saga of an old white guy with a mustache who turns into a camouflage-patterned ninja at appropriate times and gets in a lot of sword fights. I was unfamiliar with Richard Harrison before checking the IMDB, but the the old white guy was apparently in a lot of Italian flicks during the "golden years," meaning many spaghetti westerns and sword n' sandal flicks. His turn here as Gordon Anderson was apparently so well-loved that he made at least ten other pictures as the character. I mean, why wouldn't he? Like I said, I was pretty zipped by the end of this thing, so I don't remember much of it. I will never forget the ending, where Gordon beats the big bad guy in a fight, the bad guy concedes, Gordon says "I am the Ninja Champion!" and just walks away. Doesn't kill him or anything. Just "The End." Woot!
Now in stores: Nevermore's "This Godless Endeavor." Go buy it right now. Nevermore is the best metal band in America right now and this is one of the most satisfying records I've heard all year. I hope this promotional cycle will grant them the recognition they've long deserved. This is just the single: "Final Product".
posted by SoulReaper at 8:18 PM
2 Comments:
Fuck you, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was perfect. Asshole.
Or maybe it's just way better than Planet of the Apes. Fuck you still.
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