Paging Dr. Svetlana
OK. I know you don't want me to talk about metal again. So, at the risk of turning this blog into a full-blown psycho relationship column, I will turn my jaundiced eye (really, it's as yellow as Kenny Rogers' piss) to the subject of hitchin'. Nuptuals. (gulp) Marriage.
Put your monocle back in. I am not in any danger of losing my bachelor status at the moment. Full-blown, bare-knuckled freedom, that's tha life 4 me, brotha. Woo-oo, yeah buddy. But that doesn't mean I never think about marriage. I don't do it in a practical context, or all "I need to have a team of purple stallions and 22,705 Siberian irises and Eikenskaden playing on an ice barge at the reception." More like, "If I ever got married, how could I fit another person's shit in here?" or "If I had a wife, would she make me go to the doctor more often?" That sort of thing. It's natural for my age, I guess. At this point, a fair number of my friends are married, getting married or at least settled in with mates. However, if I were to seriously entertain the idea myself at the moment, I would literally have to go the mail-order route. I ain't bitter. I'm just saying.
This stupid post was actually inspired by a MySpace message I received a little while ago. It was spam, its subject line reading "Good afternoon." The charming body, without edits, for your amusement:
Hello,
Me name is Svetlana.
I has decided, I need friend with whom I might connect all further life too is necessary for me, but such person with whom
I would not be happy is not necessary for me and the girlfriend has advised me to look same people as well as I in the Internet,
I and have made I have gone to the Internet of cafe and have found a site which to me the girlfriend has advised, at her mum as has got acquainted with the person from Germany. After short viewing structures I have seen yours which most approaches me, and have decided to write to you
in hope that I shall receive from you the answer. Excuse I has distracted from the story about itself slightly. As I to you already spoke me 29 years
I live in Russia, city of Orsk, my weight makes 64 kgs at growth of 170 centimeter. At me higher education on a speciality the ecologist, but on the trade I do not work, as on it it is very difficult to find work. I work to help the bookkeeper in the company which is engaged in sale of home
appliances. I live one without parents, my parents were lost at a fire of 6 years back. I live together with mine cat Murka, she my best friend!
Unfortunately
I badly know the English language so I the first time shall be to use the translator, but I go on rates, on studying language. With impatience I wait from you for the answer.
Your new friend Svetlana.
Please write me on my personal e-mail: svetlanochka-sveta@yandex.ru So it will be more convenient to me to write to you and I can send you the photos!
Now, some years ago, a catalog of mail-order brides came into my possession. Who it came from, I honestly don't remember - I believe someone I used to hang out with got it from somewhere for its kitsch value and handed it off. I also don't remember what happened to it, but I remember looking through it. It was mostly what you think: pictures of pretty Eastern European women dressed like it's the late '80s (frizzy blonde mops, mongo huge earrings, oversized sweaters, unnecessary belts, acid-washed denim skirts, etc.). Each had an accompanying block of "introduction" text, and these seemed real enough because they all seemed to be written by different people with varying English proficiency. The one that stood out to me was named Svetlana.
Svetlana was a good-looking Russian lady: tall, brunette, seemingly with all of her teeth and digits intact. What got me was that in her description - written in perfect English - she mentioned that she was a doctor. I got very depressed thinking about that. Why would a doctor with flawless English skills need to put herself on the block to marry some stranger from America? It couldn't have been for want of honest love or even the rush of romance, since she couldn't possibly expect to find such things through a "marriage referral service." Is life in the former Soviet Union so fucking terrible that a thoroughly trained medical professional cannot make a rewarding living? I felt very bad for Dr. Svetlana, and if she is actually a real person I hope her situation improved since that catalog was printed. Likewise, if I ever decide to pay for an international sugar mama, I know there are doctors out there.
Since the other Svetlana got me thinking about the Doc, I decided to investigate what sorts of mail-order bride options the web offers. Here are some of my favorites.
Dyne: Her English isn't perfect, but somehow this Moscow miss conveys a vision of an ideal relationship that aligns with with mine. I would probably go broke jetting her around, though. And why does she switch to "he/she" when referring to a hypothetical potential mate?
Hetty: This cute lil' Hong Kong native is my age, and doesn't make a big deal out of religion, which is rare among potential Asian brides on offer.
Alina: I like this Russian living in Austria because her haircut is wicked and because of her sweet assertion that "when two people like each other they can forgive many things."
Zarina: It may just be her fabulous sweater-thingie, or the fact that this Kazakhstan gal claims to have black eyes, but she seems pretty fly.
Irina: Holy bananas, she is a fine lady. Doesn't seem the type to blow her s/o off, which has become a big plus for me these days. Think she wants kids, though.
Elvira: This Ukrainian nurse sounds pleasant and claims to be responsible. Likes "the plants," eh? Too bad she's a Libra.
Elena: Doesn't seem picky, which is good, and I am intrigued by her desire for a man with "loyalty to feminine weaknesses." Look at that marvelous forehead, it is quite aristocratic.
Anna: Y'all know I don't usually go in for the blondes, but this one's pretty saucy. I suppose I can appreciate the flowery romantic sentiment, too.
Yuliya: An 18 year-old Ukrainian philologist? I'd like to think I match her wants. Yeah, I know, way too young to work. Still, way hot.
Anastasia: Oh, damn. Just, damn. A practicing cardiologist with fluent English who doesn't seem to want children. That tears it. Dr. Anastasia is the new Dr. Svetlana, and her name is much classier to boot.
Put your monocle back in. I am not in any danger of losing my bachelor status at the moment. Full-blown, bare-knuckled freedom, that's tha life 4 me, brotha. Woo-oo, yeah buddy. But that doesn't mean I never think about marriage. I don't do it in a practical context, or all "I need to have a team of purple stallions and 22,705 Siberian irises and Eikenskaden playing on an ice barge at the reception." More like, "If I ever got married, how could I fit another person's shit in here?" or "If I had a wife, would she make me go to the doctor more often?" That sort of thing. It's natural for my age, I guess. At this point, a fair number of my friends are married, getting married or at least settled in with mates. However, if I were to seriously entertain the idea myself at the moment, I would literally have to go the mail-order route. I ain't bitter. I'm just saying.
This stupid post was actually inspired by a MySpace message I received a little while ago. It was spam, its subject line reading "Good afternoon." The charming body, without edits, for your amusement:
Hello,
Me name is Svetlana.
I has decided, I need friend with whom I might connect all further life too is necessary for me, but such person with whom
I would not be happy is not necessary for me and the girlfriend has advised me to look same people as well as I in the Internet,
I and have made I have gone to the Internet of cafe and have found a site which to me the girlfriend has advised, at her mum as has got acquainted with the person from Germany. After short viewing structures I have seen yours which most approaches me, and have decided to write to you
in hope that I shall receive from you the answer. Excuse I has distracted from the story about itself slightly. As I to you already spoke me 29 years
I live in Russia, city of Orsk, my weight makes 64 kgs at growth of 170 centimeter. At me higher education on a speciality the ecologist, but on the trade I do not work, as on it it is very difficult to find work. I work to help the bookkeeper in the company which is engaged in sale of home
appliances. I live one without parents, my parents were lost at a fire of 6 years back. I live together with mine cat Murka, she my best friend!
Unfortunately
I badly know the English language so I the first time shall be to use the translator, but I go on rates, on studying language. With impatience I wait from you for the answer.
Your new friend Svetlana.
Please write me on my personal e-mail: svetlanochka-sveta@yandex.ru So it will be more convenient to me to write to you and I can send you the photos!
Now, some years ago, a catalog of mail-order brides came into my possession. Who it came from, I honestly don't remember - I believe someone I used to hang out with got it from somewhere for its kitsch value and handed it off. I also don't remember what happened to it, but I remember looking through it. It was mostly what you think: pictures of pretty Eastern European women dressed like it's the late '80s (frizzy blonde mops, mongo huge earrings, oversized sweaters, unnecessary belts, acid-washed denim skirts, etc.). Each had an accompanying block of "introduction" text, and these seemed real enough because they all seemed to be written by different people with varying English proficiency. The one that stood out to me was named Svetlana.
Svetlana was a good-looking Russian lady: tall, brunette, seemingly with all of her teeth and digits intact. What got me was that in her description - written in perfect English - she mentioned that she was a doctor. I got very depressed thinking about that. Why would a doctor with flawless English skills need to put herself on the block to marry some stranger from America? It couldn't have been for want of honest love or even the rush of romance, since she couldn't possibly expect to find such things through a "marriage referral service." Is life in the former Soviet Union so fucking terrible that a thoroughly trained medical professional cannot make a rewarding living? I felt very bad for Dr. Svetlana, and if she is actually a real person I hope her situation improved since that catalog was printed. Likewise, if I ever decide to pay for an international sugar mama, I know there are doctors out there.
Since the other Svetlana got me thinking about the Doc, I decided to investigate what sorts of mail-order bride options the web offers. Here are some of my favorites.
Dyne: Her English isn't perfect, but somehow this Moscow miss conveys a vision of an ideal relationship that aligns with with mine. I would probably go broke jetting her around, though. And why does she switch to "he/she" when referring to a hypothetical potential mate?
Hetty: This cute lil' Hong Kong native is my age, and doesn't make a big deal out of religion, which is rare among potential Asian brides on offer.
Alina: I like this Russian living in Austria because her haircut is wicked and because of her sweet assertion that "when two people like each other they can forgive many things."
Zarina: It may just be her fabulous sweater-thingie, or the fact that this Kazakhstan gal claims to have black eyes, but she seems pretty fly.
Irina: Holy bananas, she is a fine lady. Doesn't seem the type to blow her s/o off, which has become a big plus for me these days. Think she wants kids, though.
Elvira: This Ukrainian nurse sounds pleasant and claims to be responsible. Likes "the plants," eh? Too bad she's a Libra.
Elena: Doesn't seem picky, which is good, and I am intrigued by her desire for a man with "loyalty to feminine weaknesses." Look at that marvelous forehead, it is quite aristocratic.
Anna: Y'all know I don't usually go in for the blondes, but this one's pretty saucy. I suppose I can appreciate the flowery romantic sentiment, too.
Yuliya: An 18 year-old Ukrainian philologist? I'd like to think I match her wants. Yeah, I know, way too young to work. Still, way hot.
Anastasia: Oh, damn. Just, damn. A practicing cardiologist with fluent English who doesn't seem to want children. That tears it. Dr. Anastasia is the new Dr. Svetlana, and her name is much classier to boot.
posted by SoulReaper at 9:24 AM
4 Comments:
I can still picture Dr. Svetlana's photo. Hell, I might even have a copy of that "pen pal" request we published somewhere in the depths of my closet...
Add Yuliya to my order? Whoa, what the... hmmm... I wonder if they combine shipping...
Ah, that was Barbora. I almost forgot about her. There's surely a copy of that somewhere in my parents' house.
This is all in jest, sadly. The cost is indeed prohibitive. And it's just creepy... heh heh.
I have that catalog. Somewhere. Still.
I hope.
I'll get back to you after I move.
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