Easter video smash-up

Welcome back, Jesus! It's been a wild weekend since you've been away. On Good Friday, I was driving over to yeti betty's to watch a movie she and Turbo had previously tried to view but both couldn't finish, when some crazy shit went down right behind me. There I was, tootling along I-90, listening to the new Katatonia for, like, the hundredth time. I was in front of a big pack of vehicles, cruise control set at 65, rocking out and minding my own beeswax. Somewhere in the middle of the somber, trudging "Soil's Song," it looked like someone's headlights behind me had gone out. I looked into the rear view mirror and saw one car, turned sideways, getting creamed by another. Then all hell appeared to break loose in slow motion. I'm not really sure what happened, but I know I saw a white van going sideways across several lanes which got hit as well, and there was some commotion in the other lanes, too. The whole pack behind me slowed down, and I kept glancing back to see if this was for real. But I kept cruising at 65, Katatonia drowning out all the crash sounds, feeling very removed from reality for a few moments. It was almost cinematic, like something out of a music video, a really surreal and terrifying experience. It was so freaky, I have not mentioned it to anyone until now. (Unfortunately, "Twilight of the Ice Nymphs" ended up putting my gracious hosts to sleep again, but I thought it was okay. I hope my meager gift of a dirty, scratched-up teen porn DVD found outside their apartment made up for it.)

I was bored the other night, and I ran out of "Six Feet Under" and "Big Love" episodes on the OnDemand, so I started drinking and watching music videos. Here's a look at some of the more entertaining stuff I found.


Pink: "Stupid Girls" - Forget Avril. Pink's the closest thing today's kids have to Cyndi Lauper, the first woman to sneak a song about masturbation to #3 on the Billboard charts (and the first celebrity crush I can remember having - I must have spent hours staring at the cover of She's So Unusual). Pink's image is just as manufactured as Britney's or Christina's, I realize this. But as far as pop R&B princesses go, her image is the only one I respond to without rancor. Yeah, she presents herself as this funky hot punk chick crooning club jams, but Pink also consistently promotes strength, self-awareness, personal identity and emotional integrity, a more convincing effort for "girl power" than the vapid sloganeering we got from The Spice Girls. I've read several interviews with her, and she honestly comes across as a real person - with strong opinions and inconsistencies and everything. A fine "return" single, this song pretty much sums up her philosophy and as such is way better than the dopey single I heard from her last album, where she tried to rock it up by writing songs with Rancid's Tim Armstrong. The video's pretty funny, too. If I had a daughter, I would prefer she absorb the message of "Stupid Girls" rather than that of "My Humps" or whatever other insulting fuck anthem is burning up the kids' iPods right now. Still wish Pink hadn't gone blonde, but, hey, so did Cyndi.
Verdict: I wish Pink was the best-selling pop artist in the world.


Grand Magus: "King Slayer" - I heard this song on a Candlelight Records sampler I got a while ago. It pretty much jams. I had thought these guys were more of a doom band, but this tune crams a lot of elements into a a single sound - power/biker metal with a thrash guitar tone, some mild growls and a cool sort of chug-core/black metal hybrid right before the wailin' solo. It's nothing super original, but it's catchy and well-arranged. The only thing that bugs me is I know they stole that main riff from somewhere, but I'll be damned if I can name the source. Now, the video. Whoo. This is just like an old Judas Priest video, with shots of the singer singing somewhere, the whole band walking around with torches somewhere else, the band standing around drinking wine out of fancy glasses, plus a bunch of bizarre footage of a sexpot assassin chick apparently committing regicide at various points in history. It's also got wolves sauntering through a forest with fire superimposed over them.
Verdict: Metal as fuck.


Busta Rhymes: "Touch It" - I've always admired Busta's ability to make commercial hits out of tunes with such off-kilter beats and bizarre flow. He's such a weird dude, I don't see how the mainstream hip-hop audience - which historically sticks to supporting hacks like Master P and Chingy - ever embraced him. After a few years away, this is his comeback single, which I guess came out a while ago. The album it's from is still not in stores, which is pretty shady considering that he made such a big deal out of signing with Aftermath two years ago. Whatever, this is prime Busta Rhymes, and that monotone chorus hook rules. In the video, the newly-shorn Busta proves he can do anything. He goes for an afternoon drive in the country with some girl. He dances at a club sporting a Rerun-red beret and toting a 40. He plays soccer for Jamaica. He sits in a suit and smokes a cigar. He goes for a nighttime drive in the city with a different girl. He gets fondled by classy hoochies while wearing enough gold chains to make Mr. T jealous. He wins a bunch of money playing cards. He puts the hurt on some wack gangsta chump. He yells at himself. He plays golf. He is the man.
Verdict: Still crazy after all these years.


Between the Buried and Me: "Alaska" - The best band on this year's disappointing Ozzfest line-up, BtBaM operate at such a higher level of ability and creativity than any of their tourmates, it's sick. Because they're on Victory Records, they often get lumped in with the gazillion other floridly-named metalcore bands out there, but again, although they have some 'core traits and that scene is where their audience is currently based, they stand far above the conformist norm. That said, this is an odd choice for a single. This band will never be a mainstream success, but the title track from last year's brilliant Alaska will probably scare away a few potential listeners. It doesn't have any of the peaceful clean singing or pretty, tranquil passages found in a number of their songs. It's full-on prog/death/grind/metalcore for its duration, with a show-stopping keyboard intro to boot. The twitchy video capably captures the song's abstract lyrics, which read like random, personal diary excerpts from an insomniac musician.
Verdict: Come summertime, Between the Buried and Me should be crushing System of a Down and The Red Chord into pixie dust.


Warren G: "Get U Down" - Face it, there are only two reasons the song "Regulate" was any good, and they are Dr. Dre and Nate Dogg. Warren G was the weak link in the G-Funk Era. But I said, "Hey, I wonder what weak-ass Warren G sounds like now?" So I put this on, and was immediately greeted with Warren's shout-out to the victims of Hurricane Katrina: "We ridin' witchall. You know what I'm sayin'? I feel your pain." Jesus. I have no problem with positive, socially-conscious hip-hop, and in many cases prefer it to your basic thuggery or capitalist fantasies. But I do not want it from Warren G. This track is flat, recycled G-funk, the chorus is not very memorable and the "message" aspect is just plain shambolic. The OnDemand menu did not tell me about the guest stars. First, Ice Cube, the guy who wrote the lyrics to "Fuck Tha Police", comes out and tells us to chill so we don't go to jail. Then B-Real from Cypress Hill bleats out some shit about how street violence harshes his buzz, I think, but most of the imagery while he's onscreen is just some party with people dancing. Finally, there's AOL pitchman Snoop Dogg, making his obligatory all-star appearance to tout his efforts to get kids playing football instead of gangbanging, and to lament that he is not more recognized for those efforts. Now, I like Snoop and B-Real, but the only one of these guys who has any business making a genuine social statement in his music is Cube. And he forever gave up the last vestiges of his mantle as "The Nigga Ya Love To Hate" when he took the lead role in "Are We There Yet?"
Verdict: Completely ridiculous, but watchable in a horrified, detached, car wreck sort of way.