A fistful of "dinamite"

"Anno 2020 - I gladiatori del futuro"
(aka "2020 Texas Gladiators," 1982)

Let's have a big hand for The Wizard of Gore, who found this relic at a video store near me which I didn't even know existed. I got on that '80s Italian post-apocalyptic kick last year, and my search for more of the same turned up this title and poster image. Seriously, look at that promotional art. They just don't make 'em like that anymore. Futuristic cowboy battles?! Plus, it was directed by the legendary Aristide Massaccesi, using the pseudonym "Kevin Mancuso" here but best remembered as Joe D'Amato. I was sold. I have been on the hunt for this ever since I read about it, along with Massaccesi's "Endgame," made with virtually the same crew, cast and locations. I'm pretty sure the old American video release of "2020" is cut, but it's not like someone's rushing to put out a nice DVD of it, and the movie's not good enough for me to hunt down an import. Too much raping, not enough laser standoffs at high noon. However, that seems to be the standard for Massaccesi, who probably never met a comely ingenue he didn't want to subject to onscreen violation. "2020" was not a major highlight of the prolific sleazemeister's oeuvre (he's better known for his "Emanuelle," "Ator" and gore flicks), and it's not even one of the best-loved entries among the many Italian "Road Warrior"/"Escape from New York" knockoffs. Still, as the eminent drive-in sage Joe Bob Briggs has noted, it's not without its low-rent charms.

We meet the title team of heroes (called "Rangers" in the movie, not "Gladiators") as they advance on a band of psychos who are attacking some sort of weird, outdoor future church. They watch for a bit as the loonies crucify the priest and ravage some nuns, then decide to step in. One of the guys is called Catch Dog - stupidest nickname ever - and when he comes across a babe cowering in the corner, his natural reaction is to attempt a lil' bit o' rape himself. The object of his unwanted attention is Sabrina Siani, whose boobs should be familiar to anyone who saw her as the golden-masked baddie in Lucio Fulci's lousy "Conquest." The other Rangers stop him and kick him out of the gang, while one played by genre regular Pier Luigi Conti (aka Al Cliver) makes nice with Siani. Suddenly, we see Conti working and living in a makeshift western town complete with an abandoned covered wagon out front. (See, this is a spaghetti western, but in the future. No, not like an Italian "Star Wars" - that would be "Star Crash.") We're supposed to believe it's Texas because there is a sign that says "Texas" hanging on one of the buildings. It's a wondrous place, filled with boxes curiously marked "Warning! Exsplosive" and "Dinamite." After a little while, its clear that we have leapt forward in time, and our hero has settled down and had a kid with Siani.

Before long, though, Siani is raped for real and our hero is killed by an invading army with goofy bullet-repelling shields. Surprise! Catch Dog is with them! Their leader is a bald Nazi-looking dude with a great sour face and a hilarious laugh. Then we see the other Rangers in a bar, where one wins Siani from a dude who "owns" her in a game of Russian Roulette. Whaaaaa? Apparently, it's now even further in the future. The rest of the movie stays with these dudes as they are forced to work in salt mines, bust out and battle Catch Dog and his goons. To defeat the evil army, they enlist the help of some very unconvincing "Native Americans," whose arrows and spears are somehow the key to getting through the shields. "2020" is confusing and ridiculous, but rarely boring. Other than the uniformly lousy treatment afforded Sabrina Siani, if you're into cheap action flicks, there's a fair amount of bargain basement '80s mayhem to enjoy here. I hear "Endgame" is better - I'll let you know as soon as I find it.

TODAY'S BONUS REVIEW: The new Fu Manchu album. Far be it from me to pretend to be an expert in "stoner rock," since I was never much into that dated trend and it mostly sounded like slightly heavier radio grunge to me. But what can I say? This record is pretty jammin'.